So, it's been a long time since I have posted anything...about a year to be exact. The past year has been quite an interesting year - lots of ups and downs and good and bad. I'll try to make this quick: In January Dustyn went back to school (to be a social worker - I don't know if 2 social workers in the same house is a good thing?), he proposed (YEAH), we planned a wedding, got married On 10/10/10, bought a truck and are now getting ready for the holidays (WHEW!). As you can see, it has been quite the year with LOTS of great and wonderful things happening in my life. Unfortunately, there has been some challenges - to be expected...right? I can say, without a doubt, unfortunately, one of the biggest challenges we have had, especially here lately, has been the children. To put it quite bluntly, step-parenting sucks! For the both of us...it sucks being the parent of the kids who have the step parent and it sucks being the step parent. And, since I had a step dad, I can say quite honestly, sometimes being the step kid sucks as well. :(
As you can see from blogs a year ago, this step parenting thing has never been easy. But for some reason, it seems like it is getting harder. Why? I wish I could say because I honestly don't know. Anyways, it's been really getting to me. I hate to say it and it brings tears to my eyes to admit it, but I'm depressed. I'm not on here looking for pity, or to justify my actions, or to put down my husband, or my step kids, or to put my kid on a pedastool. More than anything, I need to vent and I am tired of venting to my friends and feeling like all I do is bring them down and all I do is complain. Being a social worker (ya, I'm a social worker and my home life sucks - lets just get it out there right now) I tell my patients and/or their family members the benefits of journaling all the time and how it's theraputic and why it's so good for a person. Guess I should practice what I preach, right? So, THAT is why I am back...for me...to get my feelings out so they are not bottled up in me ready to explode. With that being said, journaling is not going to fix everything and I know that as well. That's why I'm going to my dr. next Friday to talk about getting on an anti-depressant again (yes, I said again, I have been an prozac before and it DID help!). I really should go see a counselor because there are things that I am dealing with everyday that I honestly don't know how to get past and I don't think any amount of journaling or meds can help...but then again who knows? I guess only time will tell.
Sit back boys and girls cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Where's the blender? How does thing work?
So, I haven't posted for a while and I thought I would give an update as to how the whole "blended" thing is working. Well, not surprisingly, it has it's ups and downs, challenges and successes, good days and bad days. I'm sure this comes as no surprise...
I knew blending a family would be hard. When I was Riley's age, 7 going on 8, my mom sent me to Texas for the summer to stay with my Aunt Karen. When I returned my world was turned upside down...my mom had moved in her boyfriend, Steve. Here's the kicker...I had never heard about him, met him, nothing. When I returned to my home, my home was no longer my home. It was no longer me and my mom. It was me and my mom and him. When I say him I say it with all the distaste in the world. He was an alcoholic, manipulator, and abusive. He turned my world upside down and inside out. Living with Steve for the next 7 or 8 years was Hell in every sense of the word. Yes, it could have been worse, but it deffinitely could have been better, much better. I could go into adetails about all the ways it was horrible but I will spare you. The short of the long of it is, I didn't want Riley to go through what I went through. I didn't want Dustyn's kids to go through what I went through. With that being said, I still knew no matter what I did (and do from here on out), it wouldn't be perfect...nothing ever is.
One of the things I struggle with the most is figuring out what do I do for my kid, his kids, are they our kids? What does he do for my kid, his kids...or are they our kids?! For example, laundry. Yes, I am going to talk about laundry. We keep all the laundry seperate. I do mine and Riley's and Dustyn does his and his kids and together we do the towels. Don't get me wrong, Dustyn has offered to do my laundry, until recently I would not let him. Why you ask...it's simple...my underwear...that's right, I didn't want him to see my dirty granny panties. Yes, I am ashamed to say I have no pretty panties...that's what happens when you're a single mom for nearly 8 years...pretty panties just don't seem to matter. Thus I digress...anyways, I eventually gave in and once in a while he will do my laundry. But he won't let me do his laundry or all of the kids' laundry. Are we roomates or partners? Yes, laundry has made me question this...but this is just a small surface example.
Are we on the same page? That's something I find me asking myself sometimes. For example, one morning Rylie Jo was eating breakfast (pop tarts to be more specific, not that it matters though) and she had asked me if she could be done and I said no, take four more bites. Dustyn comes down stairs and although she hasn't taken one bite she asks her dad if she can be done and he says yes. When I told him what I had told her he said, "well, she said she's full now." Now, here's my problem with this situation, two things: 1. Dustyn givces the kids large portions at dinner and is insistant that they eat all of it or nearly all of it...whether they are full or not. So, how can half a pop tart fill her up and you're ok with this but a large plate at dinner and she's expected to finish it? All the kids are expected to finish it? What?! 2. I think when parents disagree about something children are supposed to do or not do then they should do it in private...not in front of the child. I feel like him vetoing my decision in front of Rylie Jo says "I'm the dad and what I say is the final word." I don't want this to be the message the kids get, I'm afraid this will lead to a divide among me and the kids or a favoring of which parent to go to or a divide between myself and Dustyn, if not a combination of the above. Yes, breakfast has triggered this thought process as well. *sigh* In my defense, this again is just an example, other situations similar to this have occured, this is just the most recent example.
In my defense and in my families defense I am a social worker. I have seen some of the worse of the worse when it comes to families and family dynamics. I have experienced first hand some crappy family dynamics. Will these situations (and please, keep in mind these are just a couple examples, not the only examples) lead to dysfunctional family dynamics? Am I paranoid looking for trouble where there isn't any? Can this family operate functionally? But really is any family 100% completely functional? No, not 100% completely functional but it's no secret that some families function better than others. I don't want to be a statistic. I don't want my family to be a statistic. I want this blended thing to work.
So, I'm sure some of you are wondering "What does Dustyn say about this? Does he feel the same way? Have they talked about this?" Well, yes and no. Yes I have gone to him with these concerns and I give these examples. Do I go to him at that exact moment and say "wait a minute, I see a problem with this"...no, I don't. My bad. Dustyn, like most men, don't like to talk. We do talk but some subjects are easier to broach than others. Honestly, he doesn't see problems or future problems from these situations like I do. Conversely, he has concerns that I don't see problems with. For example, he sees me as inconsistant with Riley and too lenient. I see myself with her as flexible and I like to give options. To be more specific, when Riley does something wrong I start off talking to her calmly, trying to talk about the situation and what she can do different and trying to redirect her (did I mention I'm a social worker?). I give her three chances to change her behavior before I discipline her (most of the time, it depends on the offense). Dustyn sees this as lenient and inconsistent. I see this as giving options and trying to work through a situation. That's just one example. Oh me oh my, I could go on and on...I'm sure you get the point though.
I'm not on here looking for answers or solutions, mainly just venting. It would be nice to hear that this is normal. My head and my experience as a social worker tells me this is normal and there are kinks to work out in this situation and there will always be kinks to work out. Even of we weren't "blended" there would be kinks to work out. But my heart is scared. My heart is scared Riley (and Dylan and Rylie Jo) will look back like I do on my childhood. I don't want that.
Not all hope is loss. There are things that are going good. Riley and Dustyn are getting along much better than they were a few months ago. Initially when we moved in together Riley talked about her dad often, not a lot, but fairly often (even though he hasn't seen her in almost a year not has he tried to see her). She talked about how Dustyn wasn't her dad and she didn't want him to replace her dad. Although I'm sure to a degree she still feels this way, it's not as vocalized and she now gives Dustyn hugs and says I love you which in turn is reciprocated by him. Dustyn actually said the other day he would like to adopt Riley some day. WOW! That hit home in a big way...in a good way. I never thought I would meet anyone who would step up like that. I hoped I would but never thought it would actually happen. God I hope it happens.
Rylie Jo is doing well with me also. She calls me mom sometimes and says I love you often! It melts my heart when she calls me mom and says I love you. I wish Riley and Dylan were adapting so easily so quickly. Ah the joy of being four...life is so simple. Dylan is a different story. Honestly I felt closer to him over the summer than I do now that we are all living together. He doesn't talk to me much, he won't let me hug him, and deffinitely won't let me say I love you; not surprisingly he doesn't say it to me or Riley either, rarely does he even tell me good night. Honestly, I think he's having the most challenges with everyone living together. He reminds me of me when I was that age with Steve. That breaks my heart. I don't want to be a Steve in his eyes.
*sigh* I guess I should wrap this up. I have been writing this inbetween Riley vomiting every 15 minutes which has been going on now for nearly 7 hours. It's getting late...we're both tired...and the night is still young...Good Night
I knew blending a family would be hard. When I was Riley's age, 7 going on 8, my mom sent me to Texas for the summer to stay with my Aunt Karen. When I returned my world was turned upside down...my mom had moved in her boyfriend, Steve. Here's the kicker...I had never heard about him, met him, nothing. When I returned to my home, my home was no longer my home. It was no longer me and my mom. It was me and my mom and him. When I say him I say it with all the distaste in the world. He was an alcoholic, manipulator, and abusive. He turned my world upside down and inside out. Living with Steve for the next 7 or 8 years was Hell in every sense of the word. Yes, it could have been worse, but it deffinitely could have been better, much better. I could go into adetails about all the ways it was horrible but I will spare you. The short of the long of it is, I didn't want Riley to go through what I went through. I didn't want Dustyn's kids to go through what I went through. With that being said, I still knew no matter what I did (and do from here on out), it wouldn't be perfect...nothing ever is.
One of the things I struggle with the most is figuring out what do I do for my kid, his kids, are they our kids? What does he do for my kid, his kids...or are they our kids?! For example, laundry. Yes, I am going to talk about laundry. We keep all the laundry seperate. I do mine and Riley's and Dustyn does his and his kids and together we do the towels. Don't get me wrong, Dustyn has offered to do my laundry, until recently I would not let him. Why you ask...it's simple...my underwear...that's right, I didn't want him to see my dirty granny panties. Yes, I am ashamed to say I have no pretty panties...that's what happens when you're a single mom for nearly 8 years...pretty panties just don't seem to matter. Thus I digress...anyways, I eventually gave in and once in a while he will do my laundry. But he won't let me do his laundry or all of the kids' laundry. Are we roomates or partners? Yes, laundry has made me question this...but this is just a small surface example.
Are we on the same page? That's something I find me asking myself sometimes. For example, one morning Rylie Jo was eating breakfast (pop tarts to be more specific, not that it matters though) and she had asked me if she could be done and I said no, take four more bites. Dustyn comes down stairs and although she hasn't taken one bite she asks her dad if she can be done and he says yes. When I told him what I had told her he said, "well, she said she's full now." Now, here's my problem with this situation, two things: 1. Dustyn givces the kids large portions at dinner and is insistant that they eat all of it or nearly all of it...whether they are full or not. So, how can half a pop tart fill her up and you're ok with this but a large plate at dinner and she's expected to finish it? All the kids are expected to finish it? What?! 2. I think when parents disagree about something children are supposed to do or not do then they should do it in private...not in front of the child. I feel like him vetoing my decision in front of Rylie Jo says "I'm the dad and what I say is the final word." I don't want this to be the message the kids get, I'm afraid this will lead to a divide among me and the kids or a favoring of which parent to go to or a divide between myself and Dustyn, if not a combination of the above. Yes, breakfast has triggered this thought process as well. *sigh* In my defense, this again is just an example, other situations similar to this have occured, this is just the most recent example.
In my defense and in my families defense I am a social worker. I have seen some of the worse of the worse when it comes to families and family dynamics. I have experienced first hand some crappy family dynamics. Will these situations (and please, keep in mind these are just a couple examples, not the only examples) lead to dysfunctional family dynamics? Am I paranoid looking for trouble where there isn't any? Can this family operate functionally? But really is any family 100% completely functional? No, not 100% completely functional but it's no secret that some families function better than others. I don't want to be a statistic. I don't want my family to be a statistic. I want this blended thing to work.
So, I'm sure some of you are wondering "What does Dustyn say about this? Does he feel the same way? Have they talked about this?" Well, yes and no. Yes I have gone to him with these concerns and I give these examples. Do I go to him at that exact moment and say "wait a minute, I see a problem with this"...no, I don't. My bad. Dustyn, like most men, don't like to talk. We do talk but some subjects are easier to broach than others. Honestly, he doesn't see problems or future problems from these situations like I do. Conversely, he has concerns that I don't see problems with. For example, he sees me as inconsistant with Riley and too lenient. I see myself with her as flexible and I like to give options. To be more specific, when Riley does something wrong I start off talking to her calmly, trying to talk about the situation and what she can do different and trying to redirect her (did I mention I'm a social worker?). I give her three chances to change her behavior before I discipline her (most of the time, it depends on the offense). Dustyn sees this as lenient and inconsistent. I see this as giving options and trying to work through a situation. That's just one example. Oh me oh my, I could go on and on...I'm sure you get the point though.
I'm not on here looking for answers or solutions, mainly just venting. It would be nice to hear that this is normal. My head and my experience as a social worker tells me this is normal and there are kinks to work out in this situation and there will always be kinks to work out. Even of we weren't "blended" there would be kinks to work out. But my heart is scared. My heart is scared Riley (and Dylan and Rylie Jo) will look back like I do on my childhood. I don't want that.
Not all hope is loss. There are things that are going good. Riley and Dustyn are getting along much better than they were a few months ago. Initially when we moved in together Riley talked about her dad often, not a lot, but fairly often (even though he hasn't seen her in almost a year not has he tried to see her). She talked about how Dustyn wasn't her dad and she didn't want him to replace her dad. Although I'm sure to a degree she still feels this way, it's not as vocalized and she now gives Dustyn hugs and says I love you which in turn is reciprocated by him. Dustyn actually said the other day he would like to adopt Riley some day. WOW! That hit home in a big way...in a good way. I never thought I would meet anyone who would step up like that. I hoped I would but never thought it would actually happen. God I hope it happens.
Rylie Jo is doing well with me also. She calls me mom sometimes and says I love you often! It melts my heart when she calls me mom and says I love you. I wish Riley and Dylan were adapting so easily so quickly. Ah the joy of being four...life is so simple. Dylan is a different story. Honestly I felt closer to him over the summer than I do now that we are all living together. He doesn't talk to me much, he won't let me hug him, and deffinitely won't let me say I love you; not surprisingly he doesn't say it to me or Riley either, rarely does he even tell me good night. Honestly, I think he's having the most challenges with everyone living together. He reminds me of me when I was that age with Steve. That breaks my heart. I don't want to be a Steve in his eyes.
*sigh* I guess I should wrap this up. I have been writing this inbetween Riley vomiting every 15 minutes which has been going on now for nearly 7 hours. It's getting late...we're both tired...and the night is still young...Good Night
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Turning a new page
So, it's been a while since I've posted and my last post wasn't very uplifting. Since then, many, many things have changed. Here it is in a nutshell...hence the reason for some changes to my blog...
First of all, I bought a house! Woot Woot! It's exactly what I have always wanted: 2 storys, porch, three bedrooms, an office, a bonus room and a RED kitchen (thanks to Dustyn). I love my house...although I will say home ownership comes with it's own challenges and rewards. But that's another story! We moved in towards the end of September...and when I say we, I mean, myself, Riley, Dustyn and his two kids; Rylie and Dylan. That's right...we are all living together. Hence the name change of my blog.
I was ecstatic to move in with Dustyn and so far, things are still great between us. In fact, it is 6 months today that we have been together. Strangly, it seems a lot longer than that. It just feels like we go together and we get a long great! Don't get me wrong, we have our challenges time to time but for the most part it is great. And then you throw in three kids...
I can't say that it has necessarily gone bad but it has been challenging. Probablly the hardest part is figuring out our roles with each others children. Where does Dustyn stand as a father figure to my child who knows her father, and thinks he walks on water, but is only around 2-3 times per year, IF that? Where do I stand with his children as a mother figure? His daughter calls me mom and his son does not like it. We have talked about this (which I won't go into at this time) and he seems to be more accepting of it. However, there are still challenges with each of our children respecting us but also not feeling like we are trying to replace their parent.
I guess that in a nutshell is why I have changed my blog title and probablly more of my post will be more centered around this. I welcome positive advise and feedback especially if you have been through a similar situation. I also need a place to vent my frustrations and concerns...
Anyways, I'm back...hopefully, despite the holidays right around the corner I will be able to update my blog more regularly.
First of all, I bought a house! Woot Woot! It's exactly what I have always wanted: 2 storys, porch, three bedrooms, an office, a bonus room and a RED kitchen (thanks to Dustyn). I love my house...although I will say home ownership comes with it's own challenges and rewards. But that's another story! We moved in towards the end of September...and when I say we, I mean, myself, Riley, Dustyn and his two kids; Rylie and Dylan. That's right...we are all living together. Hence the name change of my blog.
I was ecstatic to move in with Dustyn and so far, things are still great between us. In fact, it is 6 months today that we have been together. Strangly, it seems a lot longer than that. It just feels like we go together and we get a long great! Don't get me wrong, we have our challenges time to time but for the most part it is great. And then you throw in three kids...
I can't say that it has necessarily gone bad but it has been challenging. Probablly the hardest part is figuring out our roles with each others children. Where does Dustyn stand as a father figure to my child who knows her father, and thinks he walks on water, but is only around 2-3 times per year, IF that? Where do I stand with his children as a mother figure? His daughter calls me mom and his son does not like it. We have talked about this (which I won't go into at this time) and he seems to be more accepting of it. However, there are still challenges with each of our children respecting us but also not feeling like we are trying to replace their parent.
I guess that in a nutshell is why I have changed my blog title and probablly more of my post will be more centered around this. I welcome positive advise and feedback especially if you have been through a similar situation. I also need a place to vent my frustrations and concerns...
Anyways, I'm back...hopefully, despite the holidays right around the corner I will be able to update my blog more regularly.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Road Block
So, I haven't posted for a while so I thought I would drop an update; I'm not gonna lie - it's not the most upbeat blog I have ever wrote.
I could get deep on this...by deep I mean, emo deep. But I'll spare all of my readers (I think there are a whopping four of you) the drama and the pity party. My life isn't bad, don't get me wrong, I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I feel like there are some road blocks being put up and no matter how hard I try, they are out of my control; I cannot get around them to save my life. I like to be in control and I feel like so many things right now that are negatively affecting my life are out of my control. With that being said, the logical, social worker part of me says "you can be in control of how you react to these things and not let them get to you so much." One of my favorite quotes is: "Our happiness in life is not determined by our circumstances in life, but by our dispositions"...or something like that. I'm sure you get what I'm trying to say though.
Despite my rationalization and attempt to think about these things logically and not let them affect me, they are. I can feel myself getting depressed and the anxiety coming back.
Sorry...I said I wouldn't bore you with my pity party but that's exactly what I'm doing. Anyways, back to the road blocks.
There are several things I could blog about in regards to road blocks, but I'm not going to because they are too personal to share...so I'll stick with an easy one: Buying a House.
For those of you who follow my blog, you know I have been trying to buy a house since last October. One thing after another has happened and it has not worked out. Now that I look back I can see that it was for the best that it didn't work out. Maybe I'll be able to look back a year from now again and realize that it was for the best again it hasn't worked out...but right now, I am having a hard time rationalizing that. I feel so close yet so far away.
In a nutshell, I keep getting out bid. By how much, I don't know...it's any ones guess, it could be $500 or $5000...I don't know and I never will know. I get so close and find these houses that would be seemingly perfect. I like the neighborhoods, it's got plenty of space and enough rooms, it's in my price range...you get the picture - it's PERFECT! Then usually within 24-48 hours I get a call from my realtor saying they have multiple offers. Usually by the end of that day, I get a call saying they accepted another offer. The first couple times it happened, I was like "oh, well...the right one is out there for me." My realtor keeps telling me the same thing...Fast forward to present day and I think I have been outbid on 5 houses...or so. I stopped counting after at some point.
Now, this may not seem like a big deal, but it is a big deal to me for many reasons. Number 1, this is probably going to be the only time I will be able to buy a house as a single parent. Interest rates are historically low (give or take the stock market that day) and housing prices are historically low - it will never be this way again...not for a long time at least. Being a single parent with one income that is good, but not great, limits what I can get approved for. If interest rates start creeping back up and house prices start creeping back up, I will never be able to qualify for a house again given that my income will not rise at the same rate interest rates and housing prices will rise. I can't and I will not sit and wait to get married before I buy a house because there is no guarantee I will ever get married...I have to take care of us...no one else will. I have to do this now...this is my only chance. (Yes, I know, I am being dramatic...but please, let me be dramatic, I am stressed and depressed and extremely frustrated - again, it is not just over this, there are other variables coming into play here).
Number 2, this is a big deal to me because I have busted my butt to take care of me and my daughter by myself, through school, while I was volunteering and working. I have worked so hard...when do I get to reap these benefits. The way I see it, buying a house is a way to reap the benefits of all my hard work. No it's not the only way, but it's a one way that's a big deal.
Number 3, as I said earlier, I feel like there are numerous things in my life out of control that are negatively impacting me and I can't control them and this is just one of those things. When will this stop happening to me? Do I attract this? Did I do something to deserve this (Karma, do you have something to tell me?). Why can't I just buy a flipping house...it's been almost a year!!!! Why can't anything ever be easy? Why does there have to be issues with the paper work or multiple offers or out of my price range??? Why??? When will something be easy and work out in my favor?
It may not seem like it from this post, but I am trying really, really, really hard to be positive throughout this whole situation. I really am. I am trying to "put positive thoughts out into the universe"...after all, you get back what you put out...right? As hard as I may try to be positive, there is only so long I can stay positive before I feel like I am going to puke...physically and emotionally.
So, where am I in the house buying phase you ask. Well, once again, another offer was rejected today because someone out bid me. I expected this so I met my realtor to look at another house today. It was once again, PERFECT. Three bedrooms, a huge bonus room, an office, two car garage and a fenced in yard that is pretty good size. So, she (she being the realtor) was going to come over tonight so we could make an offer (because after a month on the market and several people looking, no one had put an offer in on it yet). Of course, there has to be a hitch...there is always a hitch or a snag or something to go wrong. I was trying so hard to be positive today thinking "maybe this is it, this is the one!" But of course, there is a problem with the paperwork...she didn't have everything since it was a form she wasn't used to. But she had "good" news...the listing agent said they lowered the price today. No, I wasn't as happy about this as you might think I would be. Why? Because some ass hole will probably bid on it now that the price is lower and once again I will be in a bidding war I can't win. We could have gotten together tomorrow afternoon, but I have to go out to Fruitland (yes, Fruitland) for a training for work. I'll be lucky if I get back to town by 5. Even if we could put in an offer by 5 tomorrow, they won't get it until Thursday and by then there could be (and probably will be) multiple offers on it and once again I am SOL. FML! See, I can't win...
Granted, I may be jumping to conclusions and maybe there won't be any other offers on it and (dare I say) maybe, for once, my offer will be accepted. As much as I want to be positive, I fall in the trap of getting my hopes dashed when I think positive and things don't work out for me.
What's a girl to do???
Blog, I guess and get my frustrations out there...
But here is my cheesy, ridiculous, and foolish plan. Remember the movie, Field of Dreams? Remember the quote "if you build it, they will come?" I'm tempted to start packing...rent a dumpster, clean out my garage so I can sloooooowly start packing my house. Maybe if I "put it out there in the universe" that I am ready to move and I am trying to move an offer will be accepted and I will be able to move much to my surprise. It would give me something to work towards and focus on...something to distract me from the other garbage in my life that is bringing me down.
Here's my fear...what if I don't end up being able to buy a house? What if I start packing and I prepare myself emotionally and physically for the move and then I can't move? I gotta be honest here and I don't think this will come as a surprise to anyone, I would be devastated.
I don't know, I just don't know what to do...any thoughts? feedback? suggestions?
Hello? Is anyone out there??
I could get deep on this...by deep I mean, emo deep. But I'll spare all of my readers (I think there are a whopping four of you) the drama and the pity party. My life isn't bad, don't get me wrong, I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I feel like there are some road blocks being put up and no matter how hard I try, they are out of my control; I cannot get around them to save my life. I like to be in control and I feel like so many things right now that are negatively affecting my life are out of my control. With that being said, the logical, social worker part of me says "you can be in control of how you react to these things and not let them get to you so much." One of my favorite quotes is: "Our happiness in life is not determined by our circumstances in life, but by our dispositions"...or something like that. I'm sure you get what I'm trying to say though.
Despite my rationalization and attempt to think about these things logically and not let them affect me, they are. I can feel myself getting depressed and the anxiety coming back.
Sorry...I said I wouldn't bore you with my pity party but that's exactly what I'm doing. Anyways, back to the road blocks.
There are several things I could blog about in regards to road blocks, but I'm not going to because they are too personal to share...so I'll stick with an easy one: Buying a House.
For those of you who follow my blog, you know I have been trying to buy a house since last October. One thing after another has happened and it has not worked out. Now that I look back I can see that it was for the best that it didn't work out. Maybe I'll be able to look back a year from now again and realize that it was for the best again it hasn't worked out...but right now, I am having a hard time rationalizing that. I feel so close yet so far away.
In a nutshell, I keep getting out bid. By how much, I don't know...it's any ones guess, it could be $500 or $5000...I don't know and I never will know. I get so close and find these houses that would be seemingly perfect. I like the neighborhoods, it's got plenty of space and enough rooms, it's in my price range...you get the picture - it's PERFECT! Then usually within 24-48 hours I get a call from my realtor saying they have multiple offers. Usually by the end of that day, I get a call saying they accepted another offer. The first couple times it happened, I was like "oh, well...the right one is out there for me." My realtor keeps telling me the same thing...Fast forward to present day and I think I have been outbid on 5 houses...or so. I stopped counting after at some point.
Now, this may not seem like a big deal, but it is a big deal to me for many reasons. Number 1, this is probably going to be the only time I will be able to buy a house as a single parent. Interest rates are historically low (give or take the stock market that day) and housing prices are historically low - it will never be this way again...not for a long time at least. Being a single parent with one income that is good, but not great, limits what I can get approved for. If interest rates start creeping back up and house prices start creeping back up, I will never be able to qualify for a house again given that my income will not rise at the same rate interest rates and housing prices will rise. I can't and I will not sit and wait to get married before I buy a house because there is no guarantee I will ever get married...I have to take care of us...no one else will. I have to do this now...this is my only chance. (Yes, I know, I am being dramatic...but please, let me be dramatic, I am stressed and depressed and extremely frustrated - again, it is not just over this, there are other variables coming into play here).
Number 2, this is a big deal to me because I have busted my butt to take care of me and my daughter by myself, through school, while I was volunteering and working. I have worked so hard...when do I get to reap these benefits. The way I see it, buying a house is a way to reap the benefits of all my hard work. No it's not the only way, but it's a one way that's a big deal.
Number 3, as I said earlier, I feel like there are numerous things in my life out of control that are negatively impacting me and I can't control them and this is just one of those things. When will this stop happening to me? Do I attract this? Did I do something to deserve this (Karma, do you have something to tell me?). Why can't I just buy a flipping house...it's been almost a year!!!! Why can't anything ever be easy? Why does there have to be issues with the paper work or multiple offers or out of my price range??? Why??? When will something be easy and work out in my favor?
It may not seem like it from this post, but I am trying really, really, really hard to be positive throughout this whole situation. I really am. I am trying to "put positive thoughts out into the universe"...after all, you get back what you put out...right? As hard as I may try to be positive, there is only so long I can stay positive before I feel like I am going to puke...physically and emotionally.
So, where am I in the house buying phase you ask. Well, once again, another offer was rejected today because someone out bid me. I expected this so I met my realtor to look at another house today. It was once again, PERFECT. Three bedrooms, a huge bonus room, an office, two car garage and a fenced in yard that is pretty good size. So, she (she being the realtor) was going to come over tonight so we could make an offer (because after a month on the market and several people looking, no one had put an offer in on it yet). Of course, there has to be a hitch...there is always a hitch or a snag or something to go wrong. I was trying so hard to be positive today thinking "maybe this is it, this is the one!" But of course, there is a problem with the paperwork...she didn't have everything since it was a form she wasn't used to. But she had "good" news...the listing agent said they lowered the price today. No, I wasn't as happy about this as you might think I would be. Why? Because some ass hole will probably bid on it now that the price is lower and once again I will be in a bidding war I can't win. We could have gotten together tomorrow afternoon, but I have to go out to Fruitland (yes, Fruitland) for a training for work. I'll be lucky if I get back to town by 5. Even if we could put in an offer by 5 tomorrow, they won't get it until Thursday and by then there could be (and probably will be) multiple offers on it and once again I am SOL. FML! See, I can't win...
Granted, I may be jumping to conclusions and maybe there won't be any other offers on it and (dare I say) maybe, for once, my offer will be accepted. As much as I want to be positive, I fall in the trap of getting my hopes dashed when I think positive and things don't work out for me.
What's a girl to do???
Blog, I guess and get my frustrations out there...
But here is my cheesy, ridiculous, and foolish plan. Remember the movie, Field of Dreams? Remember the quote "if you build it, they will come?" I'm tempted to start packing...rent a dumpster, clean out my garage so I can sloooooowly start packing my house. Maybe if I "put it out there in the universe" that I am ready to move and I am trying to move an offer will be accepted and I will be able to move much to my surprise. It would give me something to work towards and focus on...something to distract me from the other garbage in my life that is bringing me down.
Here's my fear...what if I don't end up being able to buy a house? What if I start packing and I prepare myself emotionally and physically for the move and then I can't move? I gotta be honest here and I don't think this will come as a surprise to anyone, I would be devastated.
I don't know, I just don't know what to do...any thoughts? feedback? suggestions?
Hello? Is anyone out there??
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Come What May
So, I've had some readers who have asked about this "new man" I refered to in my blog about Mother's Day. I thought it was probablly about time to fill everyone in.
So, about two months ago I met Dustyn through a "mutual friend" (that one's for you Jenny - you know what I mean by this). After talking on the phone a couple times and hitting it off, and since our first date, we have been nearly inseperable. Actually, today is only the third day in nearly two months that we haven't see each other at some point in the day. Things have been great since Day One!
Dustyn is about a year older than me, which I give him a hard time about often. He has two kids - Dylan and Rylie. That's right, his daughter's name is Riley as well. And yes, this does make things interesting when we have all the kids together and someone says "Riiiileeey!" Yes, both girls often come running.
Dustyn is wonderful and amazing. We have such a good time together, his family is great and his kids are fabulous. I can't say enough good things about him. He's a hard worker and a wonderful father and he treats me so good...better than anyone has ever treated me.
Yes, I love this boy...I do, I do.
Yes...he cooks as well! (and he helps with the dishes...it doesn't get any better than that...now that's love!) Riley loves his cooking SO much she thinks I should marry him for that alone!
Here he is playing the guitar...*swoon*...I love it when he plays the guitar
So cute! I love this picture!
So, about two months ago I met Dustyn through a "mutual friend" (that one's for you Jenny - you know what I mean by this). After talking on the phone a couple times and hitting it off, and since our first date, we have been nearly inseperable. Actually, today is only the third day in nearly two months that we haven't see each other at some point in the day. Things have been great since Day One!
Dustyn is about a year older than me, which I give him a hard time about often. He has two kids - Dylan and Rylie. That's right, his daughter's name is Riley as well. And yes, this does make things interesting when we have all the kids together and someone says "Riiiileeey!" Yes, both girls often come running.
Dustyn is wonderful and amazing. We have such a good time together, his family is great and his kids are fabulous. I can't say enough good things about him. He's a hard worker and a wonderful father and he treats me so good...better than anyone has ever treated me.
Yes, I love this boy...I do, I do.
Yes...he cooks as well! (and he helps with the dishes...it doesn't get any better than that...now that's love!) Riley loves his cooking SO much she thinks I should marry him for that alone!
Here he is playing the guitar...*swoon*...I love it when he plays the guitar
So cute! I love this picture!
And Dustyn and Riley on her birthday...Riley loves him almost as much as she loves me...in her own words "I think you and Dustyn are going to get a long just fine"
Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Everyday I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time
Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high no river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time
Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day
Oh come what may, come what may
I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place...
(Bonus Points for anyone who knows what movie this is from...yes...I am that cheesy)
Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day
Monday, June 8, 2009
Happy Birthday Baby Girl
Nearly 8 years ago I found out I was pregnant. 8 years later, I am the proud mama of a beautiful baby girl, who is a shocking 7 years old. 7 years old, going on 16. Anyone who knows Riley, knows what I mean.
The past year has been filled with lots of amazing firsts. Riley played soccer, she started and completed the first grade (without getting in trouble at school - thank God), she lost several teeth and has grown (not much mind you - only 1 pound in the past year; 40.8 lbs and 43 inches). She has blossomed into such a beautiful young lady. Although there are times when I would like to strangle her, she always manages to smile that sweet beautiful smile and make me laugh. She is amazing.
I can't wait to see how she grows and changes over the next year. She's losing teeth like crazy, looking more and more like a young lady and developing into her own individuality. I am one lucky mama...Happy Birthday Baby Girl...I love you from here to the moon...
*kiss kiss*
monster olive hands
baby ezcema...poor thing....this makes me wanna cry
Monday, May 11, 2009
Happy Mother's Day...and some more...
So, this year's Mothers Day was interesting...
It was bittersweet; I think that's the best word for it. Let me start off by saying I love Riley more than anything. However, most of you know our life is anything but easy or ordinary. I don't know why, but I was feeling kinda crappy this Mother's Day. See, from the word go, I feel like I have been critisized for having Riley.
As soon as I told my mom I was pregnant, she started talking about abortion. When I told her dad, he talked about abortion and when I wouldn't agree to it, he punched me in the stomach in hopes that I would lose the pregnancy. I never saw him again until Riley was 1 1/2 years old.
For the next 7 months or so, my immediate family hid the pregnancy from extended family and friends. When other family members were finally told, my mom told them I didn't know who her dad was - complete lie. See, she never did like Shane (it's the one time I will admit my mom was right), hence her not wanting people to know who her father was. She would rather them think I slept around rather than admit who her dad was.
For the duration of my pregnancy I was never once told congratulations. Instead I was questioned on a daily basis as to if I was doing the "right thing." I wondered, and still do, "what exactly is the "right thing" in this situation?" When I said I was happy, I was always questioned - "Are you sure?"
My "friends" abandoned me - I was no longer the tiny cute girl getting us into parties...I was, after all, pregnant. The tv show, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, became my best friend - the only company on lonely Sundays.
After I had Riley I only had 4 weeks off from work...depressing to say the least...that's all I can say about that.
Ever since then, I have felt most times like I'm drowning; barely able to keep my head above water, struggling to make a better life for me and Riley - struggling to prove everyone wrong. I can do this and I will do a damn good job at it!
Don't get me wrong, I have a lot to be thankful for and to be proud of. I have put myself through school and I have my Master's in Social Work. I have a great full time job that pays me very well and I love everyone I work with and I love the work I do. I'm in the process of trying to buy a house. I took in my cousin, again, who is in foster care. Things aren't that bad...right?
No, they're not, but this year for Mother's Day all I could think about was all my failures. My head can rationalize how this is not true, but my heart can't. I am constantly feeling like what I do is NEVER good enough. I want to do it all, be it all, and have it all...guess that's why they say you can't have your cake and eat it too.
I know most moms, if not all, probably parents in general fel inadequate at some point. So, it helps normalize my feelings. But when I'm trying to parent, work, cook, clean, etc...all by myself...I can't help but feel alone and isolated.
So, what did I do this weekend for Mother's Day? Well, lets start with the bad so I can end on a positive note. Saturday night I came home from dinner with friends to find my bathroom flooded and the toilet not working...again. I spent all day Sunday cleaning and the cleaning and laundry, is still not done...and today is Monday and I am exhausted. Happy Mother's day, right?
So, here is the good part abut my Mother's Day weekend. I came home Friday to find flowers on my door step from a boy (yes, I finally managed to meet a boy). I went to his work on Friday night and then we hung out that night at his place and he made me breakfast the next day - my favorite - bacon, eggs, and hashbrowns. Mmmmmmmm.... Then he came over Saturday night for a while, again on Sunday and then we watched a movie last night - Zack and Miri Make A Porno (BTW, super, super, super funny - if you don't mind all the foul language; Lord knows I don't have a problem with it).
So, I guess I can't complain too much. He is, after all, the first person, to buy me flowers for Mother's Day and make me breakfast for Mother's Day...
Then I got a card from Riley and it said "You're the best mom when you rock out the music..." This was especially sweet because we LOVE to turn the music on and dance around the house while we hang out or clean the house. It's something I hope she will always remember and have good memories from. It's those times that mean the most to us.
Anyways, that was my Mother's Day. How was yours?
It was bittersweet; I think that's the best word for it. Let me start off by saying I love Riley more than anything. However, most of you know our life is anything but easy or ordinary. I don't know why, but I was feeling kinda crappy this Mother's Day. See, from the word go, I feel like I have been critisized for having Riley.
As soon as I told my mom I was pregnant, she started talking about abortion. When I told her dad, he talked about abortion and when I wouldn't agree to it, he punched me in the stomach in hopes that I would lose the pregnancy. I never saw him again until Riley was 1 1/2 years old.
For the next 7 months or so, my immediate family hid the pregnancy from extended family and friends. When other family members were finally told, my mom told them I didn't know who her dad was - complete lie. See, she never did like Shane (it's the one time I will admit my mom was right), hence her not wanting people to know who her father was. She would rather them think I slept around rather than admit who her dad was.
For the duration of my pregnancy I was never once told congratulations. Instead I was questioned on a daily basis as to if I was doing the "right thing." I wondered, and still do, "what exactly is the "right thing" in this situation?" When I said I was happy, I was always questioned - "Are you sure?"
My "friends" abandoned me - I was no longer the tiny cute girl getting us into parties...I was, after all, pregnant. The tv show, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, became my best friend - the only company on lonely Sundays.
After I had Riley I only had 4 weeks off from work...depressing to say the least...that's all I can say about that.
Ever since then, I have felt most times like I'm drowning; barely able to keep my head above water, struggling to make a better life for me and Riley - struggling to prove everyone wrong. I can do this and I will do a damn good job at it!
Don't get me wrong, I have a lot to be thankful for and to be proud of. I have put myself through school and I have my Master's in Social Work. I have a great full time job that pays me very well and I love everyone I work with and I love the work I do. I'm in the process of trying to buy a house. I took in my cousin, again, who is in foster care. Things aren't that bad...right?
No, they're not, but this year for Mother's Day all I could think about was all my failures. My head can rationalize how this is not true, but my heart can't. I am constantly feeling like what I do is NEVER good enough. I want to do it all, be it all, and have it all...guess that's why they say you can't have your cake and eat it too.
I know most moms, if not all, probably parents in general fel inadequate at some point. So, it helps normalize my feelings. But when I'm trying to parent, work, cook, clean, etc...all by myself...I can't help but feel alone and isolated.
So, what did I do this weekend for Mother's Day? Well, lets start with the bad so I can end on a positive note. Saturday night I came home from dinner with friends to find my bathroom flooded and the toilet not working...again. I spent all day Sunday cleaning and the cleaning and laundry, is still not done...and today is Monday and I am exhausted. Happy Mother's day, right?
So, here is the good part abut my Mother's Day weekend. I came home Friday to find flowers on my door step from a boy (yes, I finally managed to meet a boy). I went to his work on Friday night and then we hung out that night at his place and he made me breakfast the next day - my favorite - bacon, eggs, and hashbrowns. Mmmmmmmm.... Then he came over Saturday night for a while, again on Sunday and then we watched a movie last night - Zack and Miri Make A Porno (BTW, super, super, super funny - if you don't mind all the foul language; Lord knows I don't have a problem with it).
So, I guess I can't complain too much. He is, after all, the first person, to buy me flowers for Mother's Day and make me breakfast for Mother's Day...
Then I got a card from Riley and it said "You're the best mom when you rock out the music..." This was especially sweet because we LOVE to turn the music on and dance around the house while we hang out or clean the house. It's something I hope she will always remember and have good memories from. It's those times that mean the most to us.
Anyways, that was my Mother's Day. How was yours?
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