Road Block

So, I haven't posted for a while so I thought I would drop an update; I'm not gonna lie - it's not the most upbeat blog I have ever wrote.

I could get deep on this...by deep I mean, emo deep. But I'll spare all of my readers (I think there are a whopping four of you) the drama and the pity party. My life isn't bad, don't get me wrong, I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I feel like there are some road blocks being put up and no matter how hard I try, they are out of my control; I cannot get around them to save my life. I like to be in control and I feel like so many things right now that are negatively affecting my life are out of my control. With that being said, the logical, social worker part of me says "you can be in control of how you react to these things and not let them get to you so much." One of my favorite quotes is: "Our happiness in life is not determined by our circumstances in life, but by our dispositions"...or something like that. I'm sure you get what I'm trying to say though.

Despite my rationalization and attempt to think about these things logically and not let them affect me, they are. I can feel myself getting depressed and the anxiety coming back.

Sorry...I said I wouldn't bore you with my pity party but that's exactly what I'm doing. Anyways, back to the road blocks.

There are several things I could blog about in regards to road blocks, but I'm not going to because they are too personal to share...so I'll stick with an easy one: Buying a House.

For those of you who follow my blog, you know I have been trying to buy a house since last October. One thing after another has happened and it has not worked out. Now that I look back I can see that it was for the best that it didn't work out. Maybe I'll be able to look back a year from now again and realize that it was for the best again it hasn't worked out...but right now, I am having a hard time rationalizing that. I feel so close yet so far away.

In a nutshell, I keep getting out bid. By how much, I don't know...it's any ones guess, it could be $500 or $5000...I don't know and I never will know. I get so close and find these houses that would be seemingly perfect. I like the neighborhoods, it's got plenty of space and enough rooms, it's in my price range...you get the picture - it's PERFECT! Then usually within 24-48 hours I get a call from my realtor saying they have multiple offers. Usually by the end of that day, I get a call saying they accepted another offer. The first couple times it happened, I was like "oh, well...the right one is out there for me." My realtor keeps telling me the same thing...Fast forward to present day and I think I have been outbid on 5 houses...or so. I stopped counting after at some point.

Now, this may not seem like a big deal, but it is a big deal to me for many reasons. Number 1, this is probably going to be the only time I will be able to buy a house as a single parent. Interest rates are historically low (give or take the stock market that day) and housing prices are historically low - it will never be this way again...not for a long time at least. Being a single parent with one income that is good, but not great, limits what I can get approved for. If interest rates start creeping back up and house prices start creeping back up, I will never be able to qualify for a house again given that my income will not rise at the same rate interest rates and housing prices will rise. I can't and I will not sit and wait to get married before I buy a house because there is no guarantee I will ever get married...I have to take care of us...no one else will. I have to do this now...this is my only chance. (Yes, I know, I am being dramatic...but please, let me be dramatic, I am stressed and depressed and extremely frustrated - again, it is not just over this, there are other variables coming into play here).

Number 2, this is a big deal to me because I have busted my butt to take care of me and my daughter by myself, through school, while I was volunteering and working. I have worked so hard...when do I get to reap these benefits. The way I see it, buying a house is a way to reap the benefits of all my hard work. No it's not the only way, but it's a one way that's a big deal.

Number 3, as I said earlier, I feel like there are numerous things in my life out of control that are negatively impacting me and I can't control them and this is just one of those things. When will this stop happening to me? Do I attract this? Did I do something to deserve this (Karma, do you have something to tell me?). Why can't I just buy a flipping house...it's been almost a year!!!! Why can't anything ever be easy? Why does there have to be issues with the paper work or multiple offers or out of my price range??? Why??? When will something be easy and work out in my favor?

It may not seem like it from this post, but I am trying really, really, really hard to be positive throughout this whole situation. I really am. I am trying to "put positive thoughts out into the universe"...after all, you get back what you put out...right? As hard as I may try to be positive, there is only so long I can stay positive before I feel like I am going to puke...physically and emotionally.

So, where am I in the house buying phase you ask. Well, once again, another offer was rejected today because someone out bid me. I expected this so I met my realtor to look at another house today. It was once again, PERFECT. Three bedrooms, a huge bonus room, an office, two car garage and a fenced in yard that is pretty good size. So, she (she being the realtor) was going to come over tonight so we could make an offer (because after a month on the market and several people looking, no one had put an offer in on it yet). Of course, there has to be a hitch...there is always a hitch or a snag or something to go wrong. I was trying so hard to be positive today thinking "maybe this is it, this is the one!" But of course, there is a problem with the paperwork...she didn't have everything since it was a form she wasn't used to. But she had "good" news...the listing agent said they lowered the price today. No, I wasn't as happy about this as you might think I would be. Why? Because some ass hole will probably bid on it now that the price is lower and once again I will be in a bidding war I can't win. We could have gotten together tomorrow afternoon, but I have to go out to Fruitland (yes, Fruitland) for a training for work. I'll be lucky if I get back to town by 5. Even if we could put in an offer by 5 tomorrow, they won't get it until Thursday and by then there could be (and probably will be) multiple offers on it and once again I am SOL. FML! See, I can't win...

Granted, I may be jumping to conclusions and maybe there won't be any other offers on it and (dare I say) maybe, for once, my offer will be accepted. As much as I want to be positive, I fall in the trap of getting my hopes dashed when I think positive and things don't work out for me.

What's a girl to do???

Blog, I guess and get my frustrations out there...

But here is my cheesy, ridiculous, and foolish plan. Remember the movie, Field of Dreams? Remember the quote "if you build it, they will come?" I'm tempted to start packing...rent a dumpster, clean out my garage so I can sloooooowly start packing my house. Maybe if I "put it out there in the universe" that I am ready to move and I am trying to move an offer will be accepted and I will be able to move much to my surprise. It would give me something to work towards and focus on...something to distract me from the other garbage in my life that is bringing me down.

Here's my fear...what if I don't end up being able to buy a house? What if I start packing and I prepare myself emotionally and physically for the move and then I can't move? I gotta be honest here and I don't think this will come as a surprise to anyone, I would be devastated.

I don't know, I just don't know what to do...any thoughts? feedback? suggestions?

Hello? Is anyone out there??

Come What May

So, I've had some readers who have asked about this "new man" I refered to in my blog about Mother's Day. I thought it was probablly about time to fill everyone in.

So, about two months ago I met Dustyn through a "mutual friend" (that one's for you Jenny - you know what I mean by this). After talking on the phone a couple times and hitting it off, and since our first date, we have been nearly inseperable. Actually, today is only the third day in nearly two months that we haven't see each other at some point in the day. Things have been great since Day One!

Dustyn is about a year older than me, which I give him a hard time about often. He has two kids - Dylan and Rylie. That's right, his daughter's name is Riley as well. And yes, this does make things interesting when we have all the kids together and someone says "Riiiileeey!" Yes, both girls often come running.

Dustyn is wonderful and amazing. We have such a good time together, his family is great and his kids are fabulous. I can't say enough good things about him. He's a hard worker and a wonderful father and he treats me so good...better than anyone has ever treated me.

Yes, I love this boy...I do, I do.





Yes...he cooks as well! (and he helps with the dishes...it doesn't get any better than that...now that's love!) Riley loves his cooking SO much she thinks I should marry him for that alone!



Here he is playing the guitar...*swoon*...I love it when he plays the guitar



So cute! I love this picture!

And Dustyn and Riley on her birthday...Riley loves him almost as much as she loves me...in her own words "I think you and Dustyn are going to get a long just fine"

Never knew I could feel like this

Like I've never seen the sky before

Want to vanish inside your kiss

Everyday I love you more and more

Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings

Telling me to give you everything

Seasons may change winter to spring

But I love you until the end of time

Come what may, come what may

I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace

Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste

It all revolves around you

And there's no mountain too high no river too wide

Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side

Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide

But I love you until the end of time

Come what may, come what may

I will love you until my dying day

Oh come what may, come what may

I will love you

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place...

(Bonus Points for anyone who knows what movie this is from...yes...I am that cheesy)

Come what may, come what may

I will love you until my dying day

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

Nearly 8 years ago I found out I was pregnant. 8 years later, I am the proud mama of a beautiful baby girl, who is a shocking 7 years old. 7 years old, going on 16. Anyone who knows Riley, knows what I mean.

The past year has been filled with lots of amazing firsts. Riley played soccer, she started and completed the first grade (without getting in trouble at school - thank God), she lost several teeth and has grown (not much mind you - only 1 pound in the past year; 40.8 lbs and 43 inches). She has blossomed into such a beautiful young lady. Although there are times when I would like to strangle her, she always manages to smile that sweet beautiful smile and make me laugh. She is amazing.

I can't wait to see how she grows and changes over the next year. She's losing teeth like crazy, looking more and more like a young lady and developing into her own individuality. I am one lucky mama...Happy Birthday Baby Girl...I love you from here to the moon...

*kiss kiss*

monster olive hands

baby ezcema...poor thing....this makes me wanna cry

Happy Mother's Day...and some more...

So, this year's Mothers Day was interesting...

It was bittersweet; I think that's the best word for it. Let me start off by saying I love Riley more than anything. However, most of you know our life is anything but easy or ordinary. I don't know why, but I was feeling kinda crappy this Mother's Day. See, from the word go, I feel like I have been critisized for having Riley.

As soon as I told my mom I was pregnant, she started talking about abortion. When I told her dad, he talked about abortion and when I wouldn't agree to it, he punched me in the stomach in hopes that I would lose the pregnancy. I never saw him again until Riley was 1 1/2 years old.

For the next 7 months or so, my immediate family hid the pregnancy from extended family and friends. When other family members were finally told, my mom told them I didn't know who her dad was - complete lie. See, she never did like Shane (it's the one time I will admit my mom was right), hence her not wanting people to know who her father was. She would rather them think I slept around rather than admit who her dad was.

For the duration of my pregnancy I was never once told congratulations. Instead I was questioned on a daily basis as to if I was doing the "right thing." I wondered, and still do, "what exactly is the "right thing" in this situation?" When I said I was happy, I was always questioned - "Are you sure?"

My "friends" abandoned me - I was no longer the tiny cute girl getting us into parties...I was, after all, pregnant. The tv show, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, became my best friend - the only company on lonely Sundays.

After I had Riley I only had 4 weeks off from work...depressing to say the least...that's all I can say about that.

Ever since then, I have felt most times like I'm drowning; barely able to keep my head above water, struggling to make a better life for me and Riley - struggling to prove everyone wrong. I can do this and I will do a damn good job at it!

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot to be thankful for and to be proud of. I have put myself through school and I have my Master's in Social Work. I have a great full time job that pays me very well and I love everyone I work with and I love the work I do. I'm in the process of trying to buy a house. I took in my cousin, again, who is in foster care. Things aren't that bad...right?

No, they're not, but this year for Mother's Day all I could think about was all my failures. My head can rationalize how this is not true, but my heart can't. I am constantly feeling like what I do is NEVER good enough. I want to do it all, be it all, and have it all...guess that's why they say you can't have your cake and eat it too.

I know most moms, if not all, probably parents in general fel inadequate at some point. So, it helps normalize my feelings. But when I'm trying to parent, work, cook, clean, etc...all by myself...I can't help but feel alone and isolated.

So, what did I do this weekend for Mother's Day? Well, lets start with the bad so I can end on a positive note. Saturday night I came home from dinner with friends to find my bathroom flooded and the toilet not working...again. I spent all day Sunday cleaning and the cleaning and laundry, is still not done...and today is Monday and I am exhausted. Happy Mother's day, right?

So, here is the good part abut my Mother's Day weekend. I came home Friday to find flowers on my door step from a boy (yes, I finally managed to meet a boy). I went to his work on Friday night and then we hung out that night at his place and he made me breakfast the next day - my favorite - bacon, eggs, and hashbrowns. Mmmmmmmm.... Then he came over Saturday night for a while, again on Sunday and then we watched a movie last night - Zack and Miri Make A Porno (BTW, super, super, super funny - if you don't mind all the foul language; Lord knows I don't have a problem with it).

So, I guess I can't complain too much. He is, after all, the first person, to buy me flowers for Mother's Day and make me breakfast for Mother's Day...

Then I got a card from Riley and it said "You're the best mom when you rock out the music..." This was especially sweet because we LOVE to turn the music on and dance around the house while we hang out or clean the house. It's something I hope she will always remember and have good memories from. It's those times that mean the most to us.

Anyways, that was my Mother's Day. How was yours?

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle

So, how many of you remember the movie The Hand That Rocks The Cradle"? I do! It was one of my favorite movies when I was younger and I am still a fan of it...for those who know me, this comes as no surprise...I love scary movies. Anyways, thus I digress. Do you know where the movie title comes from? It comes from a poem - a poem that is actually mentioned in the movie; here it is:

Blessings on the hand of women!
Angels guard its strength and grace,
In the palace, cottage, hovel,
Oh, no matter where the place;
Would that never storms assailed it,
Rainbows ever gently curled;
For the hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.

Infancy's the tender fountain,
Power may with beauty flow,
Mother's first to guide the streamlets,
From them souls unresting grow—
Grow on for the good or evil,
Sunshine streamed or evil hurled;
For the hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.

Woman, how divine your mission
Here upon our natal sod!
Keep, oh, keep the young heart open
Always to the breath of God!
All true trophies of the ages
Are from mother-love impearled;
For the hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.

Blessings on the hand of women!
Fathers, sons, and daughters cry,
And the sacred song is mingled
With the worship in the sky—
Mingles where no tempest darkens,
Rainbows evermore are hurled;
For the hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.

It can be hard to believe that such a scary movie came from this beautiful poem. But for those that remember the movie, it makes sense. Anyways, do you remember this line in the movie??:
Peyton Flanders: [to schoolyard bully] I got a message for you, Roth! LEAVE EMMA ALONE! Look at me - if you don't, I'm gonna rip your fucking head off!

Now, being the good person that I am, the good social worker that I am, I would never dream of saying this to a young child. But from the moment I saw this movie, I thought, "Boy, if anyone ever messes with my kid when I grow up, I will take care of them like Peyton did for Emma."

Now, even though I have never said anything like this to a child and again, I never will, I am a very protective mother of Riley. I have NO patience for bullies (gee, do I have some unresolved issues? Well, kinda, I was picked on by this she-male named Spring...or Summer...or something like that, when I was in Jr High...anyways, I digress again). Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah, I have NO patience for bullies or bullying. So, being the protective mother I am, there has been a time or two when at the playground I have "gotten after" a few kids for being too rough or rude to Riley (or Jaylene for that matter). I will never touch another person's kid, but I sure will step up and say something if they mess with my kid and their parent's don't intervene. Now mind you, things have to be pretty bad for me to get involved...

Herein lies my story for the day. So, for the past several months there have been a group of girls at daycare giving Riley Hell. It's a long story, but the short of the long of it is, they won't let Riley make anything that looks remotely like what they are making. I can't tell you how many days Riley has come home upset because "Hailey and Savannah won't let me make nuggets." Well, I have talked with the staff and have had mixed feedback. Some of the teachers are like "no, this is unacceptable" while others are not quite so "proactive."

Well, today was the LAST STRAW! I arrived at daycare (after a good day at work) to find Riley crying because one of these little "angels" told my daughter she was stupid and again, would not let her make "nuggets." To make matters worse, I see a sign, posted on the desk where you clock the kids out, made by one of these little "darlings" that says: "Don't copy our nuggest - it makes us mad!" So, I ask the teacher about this. Mr Fernando says "well, some kids don't like their stuff being copied." My response: "I pay $300 for her to go here, she can make whatever she wants...I'll be talking to Brenda about this."

Brenda...she is the daycare director...I just LOVE her. She is loving and gently with the kids, but also firm with them...all the kids respond very well to her. So, off we march to see Miss Brenda since Mr Fernando is obviously and enabler. Thank God, Miss Brenda agreed that this was bullying and that the teachers are not responding appropriately, so she agreed to talk to the staff and those kids on Monday.

Meanwhile, I spend the next hour at home trying to calm down Riley who keeps saying: "I'm not stupid, I'm not, I'm not!"

Times like this, I chanel my inner Peyton.

Again, I would never say the F**k word to these kids, or harm them, but believe me, if the staff doesn't take care of this, you can bet I will be talking to these kids...and their parents.

Whew!!!...I feel a little better I got that out...thanks for listening.

Mysterious Ways

So, I am a firm believer that God works in mysterious ways. For those that know me, it's no shock to hear that I am not "religious" per say. However, I would describe myself as spiritual. I don't go to church (for various reasons I will not go into at this time) but I do pray and I pray hard and often. Sometimes it's the only thing I know to do. And thankfully, God works in mysterious ways and things have a way of working themselves out.

When I wrote my last post I was devestated that my hours had gotten cut at work. Number one, I need to work since I am the sole bread winner in my house supporting two little girls. Number two, I love to work. I love being a social worker, I love going to work everyday (well most days at least) and I love helping people in my job. Number three, I love the people I work with. I have never worked with such a great team before in my entire life (yeah, I know, I'm still a little young to say that); we have SO much fun together! Jana, my supervisor, put together a great team. So, with all this, you can see why I would be devestated to have my hours cut. So, with all this going on, I prayed. I prayed hard for something to work out. Something, anything...

But, I guess God works in mysterious ways. Having our hours cut triggered a chain of whirlwind events like no other. Some of us started looking for new jobs while some wanted to stick it out, some people changed their mind and flip flopped between staying and leaving. For myself I was set on leaving. I didn't see this turning around any time soon, so my intense job search began.

The job search was way easier than last summer's feat. Last summer I was the Queen of Interviews; I think I went to almost 15 interviews. This time I went to 3 and got job offers from all of them! Anyways, I will spare you all the gory details and cut to the chase. Me and my supervisor, Jana, got jobs at the same place! It's a fabulous locally owned Hospice which is rapidly expanding! This was actually the fourth place to offer me a job, but I didn't even really interview with them. Again, it's a long story with more twists and turns than a soap opera so I will spare the details. What is important, is I found a great place to work, with a great team, and another great perk is I will get paid more and it's salary! Woo Hoo!! So, I guess in the end I can look back and say, getting my hours cut was probablly a blessing in disguise. God does work in mysterious ways.

So, on that note, things are some what back on track as far as my goals I had set this New Year:

1. I am back in contact with the bank and it looks like I will be approved for more this time around for a house.
2. I got my taxes back this weekend and am planning on paying off some bills.
3. Although I haven't lost any weight (despite being continuosly physically ill from anxiety due to all the drama and trama at work for the past 5+ weeks) I did go to the dentist last week and this week and got my teeth cleaned and all my cavities (12) filled (yes, I had 12, I know it's disgusting but I haven't had insurance for the past 6 years and taking care of my teeth, among other things regarding myself, has not been a priority). I think that counts as taking care of myself. Maybe now I can focus on losing weight since I am not focused on finding a job!

Anyways, that's the new update! Today was my last day at Mercy and on Monday I start work with Heart N Home Hospice. YEAH!!!! With that being said I will miss my friends at Mercy. I wish you all the best and I am sure I will see you around!

Wish it was better...

So, unfortunately things have not gone as according to plan...but do they ever? Isn't that the story of my life??? Whatever!

So, here's the DL (translation: down low or update...yes I am channeling my inner thug...or something like that). My hours got cut back at work which has had numerous widespread devestating effects.

Here's how EVERYTHING has been effected...
Hours cut back = less pay
Less pay = no buying a house OR paying off bills any time soon
Less pay = crunch time for trying to get school loans deffered
Less pay = getting my housing assistance back (I was so proud of myself for finally getting off "welfare")
Hours getting cut back is a direct result of low census, which has been low (really, really, really low) for a while
Low census for extended period of time and hours being cut back indeffintiely = possible permanent cut back to part time = more expensive insurance (gee that makes sense, pay me less and charge me more for insurance)
Low census for extended period of time = ????? What will they do with us? Help us? Shut us down? ????? Who knows?? We sure don't!!!
Possibly losing my job or extended time with my hours being cut back = start looking for a new job
VERY FEW (like 5) social work jobs in the entire state of Idaho, locally there is one in Boise and one in Caldwell
Very few jobs here = looking out of this area
Looking out of this area = moving (expensive and time consuming = financially and emotionally draining)
Moving out of this area = Jaylene moving in with stranger, leaving my family (as crazy as they are I do love them), Riley freaking out about not seeing her dad (which she doesn't anyways) or her friends or the rest of our family...poor kid...
VERY stressed = still smoking and no weight loss

Do these people understand what cutting back hours or cutting jobs do to families?? No, of course they don't because the big wigs who make these decisions don't know a thing about us and don't care to know a thing about us. After all, it's a lot easier cutting jobs for social worker 1 than it is to cut hours for single parent who busted her butt for 5 years to provide a decent life for her child and the one family member who can provide a decent life for her 7 year old cousin who is in foster care who has experienced abuse beyond words...

I have one word for you...make that two...cheap bastards

On the bright side...my boss got a job at an agency expanding and swears she will hire me once their census is up...but can I wait that long? No!
So, what do I do?? I apply for jobs across the country - No kidding!! LOL! I applied in New York, California, Georgia, New Mexico, Indiana, etc...you name it I applied there. I even applied for a job in Twin Falls.

So, here's the news, which I am ambivalent about. I applied for a job in Twin Falls and I had a phone interview Friday which went great and I am going there tomorrow to meet the director. I also applied for a job in Boise which I have an interview for Monday. Wish me luck!

What's a girl to do?? There are so many things running through my head. The short of the long of it is, I do NOT want to go back on welfare less than a year after I graduated. I don't want to because I can't afford it AND because of my pride. Neither my wallet nor my ego can take a hit like that. I have to have a job; that's all there is to it. Even if it means us leaving Boise. :(

I have been praying to God about all of this. What am I praying for? I'm not praying for one job or the other...I'm praying God will lead me down the right path and take care of us. I don't know what the right decision is; only He does.