So, this year's Mothers Day was interesting...
It was bittersweet; I think that's the best word for it. Let me start off by saying I love Riley more than anything. However, most of you know our life is anything but easy or ordinary. I don't know why, but I was feeling kinda crappy this Mother's Day. See, from the word go, I feel like I have been critisized for having Riley.
As soon as I told my mom I was pregnant, she started talking about abortion. When I told her dad, he talked about abortion and when I wouldn't agree to it, he punched me in the stomach in hopes that I would lose the pregnancy. I never saw him again until Riley was 1 1/2 years old.
For the next 7 months or so, my immediate family hid the pregnancy from extended family and friends. When other family members were finally told, my mom told them I didn't know who her dad was - complete lie. See, she never did like Shane (it's the one time I will admit my mom was right), hence her not wanting people to know who her father was. She would rather them think I slept around rather than admit who her dad was.
For the duration of my pregnancy I was never once told congratulations. Instead I was questioned on a daily basis as to if I was doing the "right thing." I wondered, and still do, "what exactly is the "right thing" in this situation?" When I said I was happy, I was always questioned - "Are you sure?"
My "friends" abandoned me - I was no longer the tiny cute girl getting us into parties...I was, after all, pregnant. The tv show, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, became my best friend - the only company on lonely Sundays.
After I had Riley I only had 4 weeks off from work...depressing to say the least...that's all I can say about that.
Ever since then, I have felt most times like I'm drowning; barely able to keep my head above water, struggling to make a better life for me and Riley - struggling to prove everyone wrong. I can do this and I will do a damn good job at it!
Don't get me wrong, I have a lot to be thankful for and to be proud of. I have put myself through school and I have my Master's in Social Work. I have a great full time job that pays me very well and I love everyone I work with and I love the work I do. I'm in the process of trying to buy a house. I took in my cousin, again, who is in foster care. Things aren't that bad...right?
No, they're not, but this year for Mother's Day all I could think about was all my failures. My head can rationalize how this is not true, but my heart can't. I am constantly feeling like what I do is NEVER good enough. I want to do it all, be it all, and have it all...guess that's why they say you can't have your cake and eat it too.
I know most moms, if not all, probably parents in general fel inadequate at some point. So, it helps normalize my feelings. But when I'm trying to parent, work, cook, clean, etc...all by myself...I can't help but feel alone and isolated.
So, what did I do this weekend for Mother's Day? Well, lets start with the bad so I can end on a positive note. Saturday night I came home from dinner with friends to find my bathroom flooded and the toilet not working...again. I spent all day Sunday cleaning and the cleaning and laundry, is still not done...and today is Monday and I am exhausted. Happy Mother's day, right?
So, here is the good part abut my Mother's Day weekend. I came home Friday to find flowers on my door step from a boy (yes, I finally managed to meet a boy). I went to his work on Friday night and then we hung out that night at his place and he made me breakfast the next day - my favorite - bacon, eggs, and hashbrowns. Mmmmmmmm.... Then he came over Saturday night for a while, again on Sunday and then we watched a movie last night - Zack and Miri Make A Porno (BTW, super, super, super funny - if you don't mind all the foul language; Lord knows I don't have a problem with it).
So, I guess I can't complain too much. He is, after all, the first person, to buy me flowers for Mother's Day and make me breakfast for Mother's Day...
Then I got a card from Riley and it said "You're the best mom when you rock out the music..." This was especially sweet because we LOVE to turn the music on and dance around the house while we hang out or clean the house. It's something I hope she will always remember and have good memories from. It's those times that mean the most to us.
Anyways, that was my Mother's Day. How was yours?
