So, I have been putting off this part of the writing process. I guess it is somewhat metaphorical for my life as I think about it. I can sit here and bitch and piss and moan about what I hate and what bothers me and etc...but I am not very good at focusing on the emotional part of what I am dealing with and processing it and delving deeper into my feelings. I am somewhat ashamed to admit that since I am a social worker. I can help other people deal with their emotions but I can't look at my own? I guess I should explain more. I can say when you do this (fill in the blank) it makes me feel this way (fill in the blank). But really, why do I feel angry because of what she said to me? Why am I angry about the baby conversation that continues to be brought up? Why am I so fixated on this and letting it get to me? Why do I continue to be so angry and now depressed?
Well, here it goes...so, one of the big problems I have with her is her hateful conversation towards me last January in which she told me I was a pig, just like the ex and my kid was a problem. So, this is so upsetting for several reasons. First of all, I thought, were those her words or Dustyn's words ...kid being a problem, me being a pig and just like the ex, etc...That really hurt wondering and thinking about that. But over time and many, many painful, hurtful conversations with Dustyn I have come to the conclusion that those were her words, not his. So that helps some. It also hurts that he went to her and told her this stuff instead of trying to come to me and talk to me about it. However, I guess I can't fault him too much for that since I go to my friends when we are having issues. The difference is my friends don't treat him any different like his sister has done to me. But some stuff happened today that has made me think about this situation again and I really think it boils down to trust and betrayal. See, I trusted her, from the beginning. And at a vulnerable point she betrayed my trust and if I were Dustyn I would feel like she betrayed his trust. She took what he had said to her in confidence and frustration and took it and put her own spin on it. But I guess you overlook stuff like that with family? Anyways, see the thing is, in the past I have been hurt by a lot of people who I was very close to and after trying and trying and trying and giving people chance after chance I got tired of being hurt. So I stopped taking chances on some people, a lot of people and when people have hurt me I have pushed them out of my life. In this case, I can't push Sandi out of my life. I have no choice in the matter. And to make matters worse her and Dustyn are super close. So, that means I have to be around her more than I care to be. All in all, this makes me feel out of control - a situation and feeling I very much despise...one now that I am angry about. Unfortunately, that anger comes out every now and then in very bad, hurtful ways. So, I guess on that note, this situation brings up a lot of feelings from old situations and people in my life...feelings that I have not dealt with. Ultimately, I hold on to anger and struggle with letting go and moving on. And whose fault is that? Not hers or anyone elses...it's mine. But how do I address that and work on it and move on for myself? I don't have any idea.
So, the other issue, the baby issue. Oh my, this is a hard one. This is the other biggest issue I have with her, which again ultimately boils down to me and my issues. See, she keeps asking when me and Dustyn are going to have a baby...she and the majority of our friends have asked that. We aren't going to have a baby any time soon if ever...and that breaks my heart. We have talked about having more kids or at least one more and both of us would love to do it. But with Dustyn going to school and only having school loans to live off of and just living off of my income, it doesn't really out us in the best financial position. Don't get me wrong, I make pretty good money, more than I would have ever thought I would make, but being that it is the sole income for a family of 5...it barely covers all the bills by the end of the month. So, we have to wait until Dustyn is out of school...which is about 5 years away. This is frustrating for may reasons. First of all, one of the natural things that people do after they get married is talk about having kids or start having kids. I feel like I am getting robbed of this natural part of life and marriage. All I ever wanted as a little girl was to be a mom...a stay at home mom and I will never get to do that. My one and only pregnancy was miserable. Never once did anyone congratulate me or offer support. Instead my pregnancy was hid and people constantly questioned me, asking if I was doing the right thing. I was robbed of this beautiful experience and it will probably be the only time. So, say we wait 5 more years til we decide to start trying. There is no guarantee that it will even happen or how long it will take to happen. I honestly don't know if I want to have a baby with three pre-teens or teenagers at home. We talk so often about renovating the house and buying a boat and a trailer and going camping and how we can't wait til the kids are old enough to enjoy this stuff or when we can go on our own. This will be over with a baby. I honestly don't see us having a baby and I am tired of everyone asking about this. I JUST WANT IT TO STOP!!!!!!!!!! And the sooner everyone stops asking the easier it will be to accept that. But once again, another natural, beautiful part of life I am being robbed of. It's also not fair because I work my butt off and make good money. We should be able to have another child. Some people on welfare don't think twice about having another child or how it will be supported but they go ahead and do it and find a way to make it work. Why can't we? It's not fair that I work and have made it to this point in my life and I can't have something I so desperately want. I know I may sound like I am 5 years old but it's not fair. I am tired of things not going my way when I try so hard every day. I wish Dustyn would stop talking about me being pregnant or having a baby some day because he knows as well as i do, he won't want to have a baby in 5 years when we are in our mid 30s and have three teens at home. I know he won't. But here we are again, at the same point. It's not her fault this is our situation so why am I so mad at her about it? I have been thinking this whole time that she is angry and taking out her anger on me because I'm an easy target but maybe I am really taking out my anger on her because she is an easy target...about this particular situation at least. Ultimately, I am angry about situations in my life that are important to me and how they have gone awry and this is one more example. The only thing she is really doing is reminding me of it whenever she asks. Thats all she is at fault for doing.
*sigh*....this has been heavy...it's getting late now and my computer is about ready to die. I want to read some out of my books about Letting Go. I think it is time to read these and apply them to my life.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Part I - SIL from Hell
So, in this process of trying to sort out my feelings and make sense of what I am going through I am trying to sort through the chain of events that have lead me to where I am now emotionally. I guess there were little things leading up to the MAIN EVENT. Dustyn and I moving in together with his two kids and my kid was a challenge in and of itself. Not to mention the fact that we were moving, both of us, to a new place. Oh and don't forget the financial burden that comes with moving in the first place. Oh and did I mention we moved right before the Holidays? Ya, so as you can see, moving in together was a big enough challenge in and of itself. Oh and did I mention that I have never lived with anyone besides my mom and my daughter? (Well, I had a roommate for about a second a couple years ago but we won't count that since it was so short lived - thankfully). Ya, so it was challenging to say the least. Moving is a challenge alone. Moving in with someone is whole other challenge. Moving in children together is another set of challenges. Holidays are stressful. Dustyn quite his job. I was now supporting a family of 5 on one paycheck. Did I say this experience was stressful? If I didn't, it was.
So, shortly after we moved in, about this time last year, Dustyn and I had some problems. He would be fine during the day hanging out with everyone else but as soon as I would come home he would shut down, wouldn't talk to me, he was snappy...we were fighting often. I kept asking what was wrong and he kept insisting nothing but I knew something was not right. I eventually got to the point where I didn't want to come home. Then it got to the point where his sister, Sandi, was here every time I came home. It got to the point that when I would come home she would be here and neither him nor her would say anything to me. I felt like an unwanted stranger in my own home. The scene is set.
After a month or two of this I finally had enough, and enough of hearing nothing was wrong. So, I did something...it was a mixed blessing. I called his sister. I mean, at one point we had gotten along and very well. I hung out with her, would text her and call her, she even called me to tell me she was pregnant before she called her brother. I'm not sure what happened along the way but at some point she decided she hated me and would not hide it. Despite the cold shoulder I was constantly getting I had to figure out what was wrong with Dustyn and I figured if anyone knew, she would know. So I called her.
She was ok at first, kinda vague but then I pushed because I could tell she knew something. She started off nice at first, then it got rough...by the end of the conversation she had told me that my kid was a "problem" for our relationship (yes problem was her word), I was a "pig and slob just like his ex wife" because I didn't keep the house clean enough, and she felt like I was a "bitch" to him. That's the short of the long of the conversation that still to this day has left a bad taste in my mouth.
So, when Dustyn came home later that night we sat down and talked about our differences in disciplining the kids and the challenges that has brought and we talked about the housework that was not getting done and decided to divide up the chores so something was done by each of us on a daily basis so there was not as much to do on the weekends or by one person. It was not an easy conversation to have but it was good that we did it; it finally started to air some issues we both had and came up with a solution to some of the problems going on in the home and sure enough his mood changed...his mood changed so much about a week later he proposed.
here's the deal...I didn't tell Dustyn about my conversation with his sister. I didn't know if he would be mad that I talked to her and to be quite honest I was mad about the way she talked to me. Dustyn and his sister ended up getting into a fight that lasted months and they didn't talk for a while...during that time I told him about my conversation with her. He was not mad thankfully...not at me at least...or so he says. He said he would never put up with his sister talking to me like that and he would talk to her about it. Well, him and her eventually made up and were back on speaking terms but she was still a bitch to me, rude, ignored me, wouldn't tlak to me in my own house, wouldn't even acknowledge me. And did Dustyn say anything to her like he said he would? No. Even though it made me very uncomfortable to be around her, he didn't say anything.
As my anger about this grew, my anger grew for other reasons. I began to think about this situation...she wouldn't have known these things were bothering him if he didn't tell her. So, was it her words or his words that my kid was a "problem", that I was a slob and pig just like his ex wife and that I treated him like a bitch? Now, not only was I angry, but insecure. If he really felt that way, what in the world were we doing planning a wedding? Why would he continue to let his sister come over and treat me so badly...in my own home??
Over time, I attempted to talk to him...but Dustyn isn't a talker and because him and his sister were now getting along, he expected me to get along with her and just let things go back to normal and forget about what happened. I hold a grudge. I'm not proud of it, but it's the way I was raised and it's ingrained in me and subsequently is very hard to change...not impossible, but very hard. I tried to move on...I really did. I took her shopping for her baby, went to her baby shower, took pics for the family, invited her to Riley's birthday party, invited her to a Mary Kay make up party...I tried. OH she took me up on the shopping trip and let me come to the baby shower, to give her the gift of course, but there was no reciprocation with anything else and she continued to treat me like a bitch whenever she came over to MY house. Well, Dustyn had finally had enough of me bitching about this situation, cause I did a lot of it, and he talked to her one day. And what did she say about the way she was treating me (and eventually my kid)? Oh, she didn't know she was doing anything wrong...she didn't even know I was mad at her...she had noticed I wasn't talking to her but she didn't know why. You know what that is don't you? BULL SHIT!
How could she have a conversation like that with me, (oh and I forgot to say, she also told me that me and Dustyn wouldn't work out...that was back in the conversation in December or January of last year) and then turn around and say 8 months later, after she has treated me like shit, that she didn't know there was a problem with us (meaning me and her)? Oh and then at this same time, so this would be last summer, so 5 or 6 months ago, she starts asking Dustyn when me and him are going to have babies???? WTF???? Just a few months before that she was saying we wouldn't last and now she is asking when we are going to have more babies?? WTF??
So, this brings us to about July, this last July...Sandi has had the baby by now, Stori...and even though she is on month 2 or 3 of asking us when we are going to have babies she won't even let me hold her baby. That's right. She won't give me the baby, but she treats Dustyn like he's the dad and whenever someone does let me hold the baby she comes up and takes her away and says, "you don't need to hold her right now." WTF?? When will summer be over so she can go back to Lewiston for school?
So, finally she heads back up to school and I get a break. By this time I am planning our wedding, busy with work and raising kids and what not. It seems to be that when I am busy with stuff and Dustyn doesn't talk about his sister then everything is ok. I guess the best way to put it is "out of sight, out of mind." But then came the wedding reception...So, first of all, initially she wasn't going to come. Although she was down here in Boise for the month, and doing her practicum here, she wasn't going to come. Why? Well, she says it's because she wasn't going to be able to change times at her practicum and she had to get these hours done and there was no way she could rearrange her hours. Oh, but did I mention that when she called to tell us that she wasn't coming she was supposed to be at her practicum but she left early. The same practicum that she is telling us that she cannot leave to come to the reception to, no way, how how can she leave early...she had left early that day. Again, WTF?? Well, she ends up coming to the reception, showing up late, no gift (normally this wouldn't bother me but considering that I had spent over $100 at her baby shower a few months before it is somewhat of a sore spot) and doesn't even come over to say hi to us or say congrats...not even a lousy card. If you're not going to say congrats or even talk to us, why did you come? Really? Oh but later she came back to the house and the only thing she said to me was "you better be pregnant the next time I see you." Now, this may not seem like a big deal but it is a sore spot for several reasons of which I will get into in another post...but for now, I will just say it upset me because, really, that was all she could say to me, to us? No congrats...nothing??? Again, WTF??
So, fast forward now to present day...December...Dustyn gets a call from Sandi, her Nurse Pinning Ceremony is in Lewiston on the 16th...you're coming right?? WTF?? Really, you weren't even going to come to our reception when you were in the same town but you expect Dustyn to come to Lewiston for your pinning ceremony? It's not even the BIG graduation of walking the line...it's a pinning ceremony for fuck sake. First of all, Dustyn has a final for school that day so he can't go (oh but she says, can't you rearrange your final or skip it and come to Lewiston...WHAT??? Then there's the issue with gas...if Dustyn were to go, because the roads are so bad this time going up there he would want to take the truck (his words, not mine) and gas in that truck to Lewiston and back would easily be $300. What's the problem with that she asks? Oh and then there's the fact that he would have to stay in a hotel and more money again. So what? she says. Oh and then given the fact that he would have to be gone for a few days who is going to pick up Riley for me? She doesn't care because Riley is my kid, not his, so my problem, not his. Nice, huh? Oh I about came unglued when Dustyn told me all of this. Are you fucking kidding me?
Why does this girl think she gets to be so mean to me? What did I ever do to her? Why does she think the world revolves around her and we all bow down to her? Why? Because of all of this, these numerous and ongoing situations that have occurred, I can't stand to be around her and every time I know I have to be around her or I have been around her I feel an incredibly ridiculous amount of anxiety and anger. And every now and then, Dustyn and I will have a fight and this gets brought up. For example, the other day I about had a nervous breakdown because the house wasn't clean and I didn't know when I would have time to clean it and he tells me, it will be fine and it's not a big deal. I began to scream and cry asking him why it's not a big deal now but it was a big deal a year ago. A year ago it was such a big deal that he was miserable at home and went to his sister bitching about me and later she ripped me a new one for it. If it's not a big deal now, why was it then? What if it's not a big deal now BUT it turns into a big deal again and he gets upset that I'm not doing enough cleaning and he goes to her complaining about me again? I worry now that every time she comes over she is looking at my house with a microscope examining every nook and cranny to see how dirty or how clean it is. I worry that every time she is with Dustyn she is interrogating him, wanting to know how shitty of a wife I am and how miserable he is. It's no secret she did that with his first wife and she obviously doesn't like me so what's stopping her from doing it again?
So, there it is...one of the main events that have brought me to this emotional state that I am currently at...but this is just Part I on this particular situation. There are SO many things that are running through my head and I can't type fast enough to get it all out and I'm too tired at this point to try to get them all out...after all, it has taken me two nights to write this blog. Part II will be more in depth thoughts on reflections about this particular situation that have gone through my head over the past year. Boy, this is exhausting but it is also somewhat cathartic.
So, shortly after we moved in, about this time last year, Dustyn and I had some problems. He would be fine during the day hanging out with everyone else but as soon as I would come home he would shut down, wouldn't talk to me, he was snappy...we were fighting often. I kept asking what was wrong and he kept insisting nothing but I knew something was not right. I eventually got to the point where I didn't want to come home. Then it got to the point where his sister, Sandi, was here every time I came home. It got to the point that when I would come home she would be here and neither him nor her would say anything to me. I felt like an unwanted stranger in my own home. The scene is set.
After a month or two of this I finally had enough, and enough of hearing nothing was wrong. So, I did something...it was a mixed blessing. I called his sister. I mean, at one point we had gotten along and very well. I hung out with her, would text her and call her, she even called me to tell me she was pregnant before she called her brother. I'm not sure what happened along the way but at some point she decided she hated me and would not hide it. Despite the cold shoulder I was constantly getting I had to figure out what was wrong with Dustyn and I figured if anyone knew, she would know. So I called her.
She was ok at first, kinda vague but then I pushed because I could tell she knew something. She started off nice at first, then it got rough...by the end of the conversation she had told me that my kid was a "problem" for our relationship (yes problem was her word), I was a "pig and slob just like his ex wife" because I didn't keep the house clean enough, and she felt like I was a "bitch" to him. That's the short of the long of the conversation that still to this day has left a bad taste in my mouth.
So, when Dustyn came home later that night we sat down and talked about our differences in disciplining the kids and the challenges that has brought and we talked about the housework that was not getting done and decided to divide up the chores so something was done by each of us on a daily basis so there was not as much to do on the weekends or by one person. It was not an easy conversation to have but it was good that we did it; it finally started to air some issues we both had and came up with a solution to some of the problems going on in the home and sure enough his mood changed...his mood changed so much about a week later he proposed.
here's the deal...I didn't tell Dustyn about my conversation with his sister. I didn't know if he would be mad that I talked to her and to be quite honest I was mad about the way she talked to me. Dustyn and his sister ended up getting into a fight that lasted months and they didn't talk for a while...during that time I told him about my conversation with her. He was not mad thankfully...not at me at least...or so he says. He said he would never put up with his sister talking to me like that and he would talk to her about it. Well, him and her eventually made up and were back on speaking terms but she was still a bitch to me, rude, ignored me, wouldn't tlak to me in my own house, wouldn't even acknowledge me. And did Dustyn say anything to her like he said he would? No. Even though it made me very uncomfortable to be around her, he didn't say anything.
As my anger about this grew, my anger grew for other reasons. I began to think about this situation...she wouldn't have known these things were bothering him if he didn't tell her. So, was it her words or his words that my kid was a "problem", that I was a slob and pig just like his ex wife and that I treated him like a bitch? Now, not only was I angry, but insecure. If he really felt that way, what in the world were we doing planning a wedding? Why would he continue to let his sister come over and treat me so badly...in my own home??
Over time, I attempted to talk to him...but Dustyn isn't a talker and because him and his sister were now getting along, he expected me to get along with her and just let things go back to normal and forget about what happened. I hold a grudge. I'm not proud of it, but it's the way I was raised and it's ingrained in me and subsequently is very hard to change...not impossible, but very hard. I tried to move on...I really did. I took her shopping for her baby, went to her baby shower, took pics for the family, invited her to Riley's birthday party, invited her to a Mary Kay make up party...I tried. OH she took me up on the shopping trip and let me come to the baby shower, to give her the gift of course, but there was no reciprocation with anything else and she continued to treat me like a bitch whenever she came over to MY house. Well, Dustyn had finally had enough of me bitching about this situation, cause I did a lot of it, and he talked to her one day. And what did she say about the way she was treating me (and eventually my kid)? Oh, she didn't know she was doing anything wrong...she didn't even know I was mad at her...she had noticed I wasn't talking to her but she didn't know why. You know what that is don't you? BULL SHIT!
How could she have a conversation like that with me, (oh and I forgot to say, she also told me that me and Dustyn wouldn't work out...that was back in the conversation in December or January of last year) and then turn around and say 8 months later, after she has treated me like shit, that she didn't know there was a problem with us (meaning me and her)? Oh and then at this same time, so this would be last summer, so 5 or 6 months ago, she starts asking Dustyn when me and him are going to have babies???? WTF???? Just a few months before that she was saying we wouldn't last and now she is asking when we are going to have more babies?? WTF??
So, this brings us to about July, this last July...Sandi has had the baby by now, Stori...and even though she is on month 2 or 3 of asking us when we are going to have babies she won't even let me hold her baby. That's right. She won't give me the baby, but she treats Dustyn like he's the dad and whenever someone does let me hold the baby she comes up and takes her away and says, "you don't need to hold her right now." WTF?? When will summer be over so she can go back to Lewiston for school?
So, finally she heads back up to school and I get a break. By this time I am planning our wedding, busy with work and raising kids and what not. It seems to be that when I am busy with stuff and Dustyn doesn't talk about his sister then everything is ok. I guess the best way to put it is "out of sight, out of mind." But then came the wedding reception...So, first of all, initially she wasn't going to come. Although she was down here in Boise for the month, and doing her practicum here, she wasn't going to come. Why? Well, she says it's because she wasn't going to be able to change times at her practicum and she had to get these hours done and there was no way she could rearrange her hours. Oh, but did I mention that when she called to tell us that she wasn't coming she was supposed to be at her practicum but she left early. The same practicum that she is telling us that she cannot leave to come to the reception to, no way, how how can she leave early...she had left early that day. Again, WTF?? Well, she ends up coming to the reception, showing up late, no gift (normally this wouldn't bother me but considering that I had spent over $100 at her baby shower a few months before it is somewhat of a sore spot) and doesn't even come over to say hi to us or say congrats...not even a lousy card. If you're not going to say congrats or even talk to us, why did you come? Really? Oh but later she came back to the house and the only thing she said to me was "you better be pregnant the next time I see you." Now, this may not seem like a big deal but it is a sore spot for several reasons of which I will get into in another post...but for now, I will just say it upset me because, really, that was all she could say to me, to us? No congrats...nothing??? Again, WTF??
So, fast forward now to present day...December...Dustyn gets a call from Sandi, her Nurse Pinning Ceremony is in Lewiston on the 16th...you're coming right?? WTF?? Really, you weren't even going to come to our reception when you were in the same town but you expect Dustyn to come to Lewiston for your pinning ceremony? It's not even the BIG graduation of walking the line...it's a pinning ceremony for fuck sake. First of all, Dustyn has a final for school that day so he can't go (oh but she says, can't you rearrange your final or skip it and come to Lewiston...WHAT??? Then there's the issue with gas...if Dustyn were to go, because the roads are so bad this time going up there he would want to take the truck (his words, not mine) and gas in that truck to Lewiston and back would easily be $300. What's the problem with that she asks? Oh and then there's the fact that he would have to stay in a hotel and more money again. So what? she says. Oh and then given the fact that he would have to be gone for a few days who is going to pick up Riley for me? She doesn't care because Riley is my kid, not his, so my problem, not his. Nice, huh? Oh I about came unglued when Dustyn told me all of this. Are you fucking kidding me?
Why does this girl think she gets to be so mean to me? What did I ever do to her? Why does she think the world revolves around her and we all bow down to her? Why? Because of all of this, these numerous and ongoing situations that have occurred, I can't stand to be around her and every time I know I have to be around her or I have been around her I feel an incredibly ridiculous amount of anxiety and anger. And every now and then, Dustyn and I will have a fight and this gets brought up. For example, the other day I about had a nervous breakdown because the house wasn't clean and I didn't know when I would have time to clean it and he tells me, it will be fine and it's not a big deal. I began to scream and cry asking him why it's not a big deal now but it was a big deal a year ago. A year ago it was such a big deal that he was miserable at home and went to his sister bitching about me and later she ripped me a new one for it. If it's not a big deal now, why was it then? What if it's not a big deal now BUT it turns into a big deal again and he gets upset that I'm not doing enough cleaning and he goes to her complaining about me again? I worry now that every time she comes over she is looking at my house with a microscope examining every nook and cranny to see how dirty or how clean it is. I worry that every time she is with Dustyn she is interrogating him, wanting to know how shitty of a wife I am and how miserable he is. It's no secret she did that with his first wife and she obviously doesn't like me so what's stopping her from doing it again?
So, there it is...one of the main events that have brought me to this emotional state that I am currently at...but this is just Part I on this particular situation. There are SO many things that are running through my head and I can't type fast enough to get it all out and I'm too tired at this point to try to get them all out...after all, it has taken me two nights to write this blog. Part II will be more in depth thoughts on reflections about this particular situation that have gone through my head over the past year. Boy, this is exhausting but it is also somewhat cathartic.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Plan B
So, one of the great things about writing and/or journaling is that it helps you organize your thoughts and clarify them and sometimes getting the feelings you have out on paper, gets them out of your head...it helps a person stop fixating on what is going through their head because it's no longer going through your head...it went through your head and is now on paper and out of your head...you have clarified it and processed it and have gotten it off your chest. Or that's what I tell my clients at least when I am trying to convince them that journaling does in fact help. I really do believe it's true...I guess that's why I'm back to blogging. I have a paper journal that I write in sometimes off and on over the years and I look back at it from time to time to see what I was going through at the time. What I have found is that I go through hard times, journal about it...and things eventually get better. Is it because of the journaling or because the event has "passed" and I am over it? I don't know for sure but what I do know is, I need to do something to deal with these feelings I am struggling with and this is one idea I've had.
So, since my last blog I have been thinking about how this journaling process will help me, or more specifically, what I need to do to make this journaling process most effective for me and I have come up with a couple different things. First of all, I think I need to start at the beginning with how these issues have developed...or at the beginning in my mind and from my POV at least. Secondly, in addition to writing about the bad things I am struggling with, I think I also need to write about the good things going on in my life. Sometimes I take for granted what good things I have going and only focus on the bad. So, for every "sad" or "bad" feeling blog I write, I need to write one "good" feeling blog, maybe about something I am thankful for. Hopefully that will help me keep things in perspective as I go on this journey of self healing. In the end, I am ultimately looking for self healing for myself and my relationships within my family between myself and the others I love, care about and cherish.
So, since my last blog I have been thinking about how this journaling process will help me, or more specifically, what I need to do to make this journaling process most effective for me and I have come up with a couple different things. First of all, I think I need to start at the beginning with how these issues have developed...or at the beginning in my mind and from my POV at least. Secondly, in addition to writing about the bad things I am struggling with, I think I also need to write about the good things going on in my life. Sometimes I take for granted what good things I have going and only focus on the bad. So, for every "sad" or "bad" feeling blog I write, I need to write one "good" feeling blog, maybe about something I am thankful for. Hopefully that will help me keep things in perspective as I go on this journey of self healing. In the end, I am ultimately looking for self healing for myself and my relationships within my family between myself and the others I love, care about and cherish.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
"Guess who's back? Back again...guess who's back? Tell a friend!..."
So, it's been a long time since I have posted anything...about a year to be exact. The past year has been quite an interesting year - lots of ups and downs and good and bad. I'll try to make this quick: In January Dustyn went back to school (to be a social worker - I don't know if 2 social workers in the same house is a good thing?), he proposed (YEAH), we planned a wedding, got married On 10/10/10, bought a truck and are now getting ready for the holidays (WHEW!). As you can see, it has been quite the year with LOTS of great and wonderful things happening in my life. Unfortunately, there has been some challenges - to be expected...right? I can say, without a doubt, unfortunately, one of the biggest challenges we have had, especially here lately, has been the children. To put it quite bluntly, step-parenting sucks! For the both of us...it sucks being the parent of the kids who have the step parent and it sucks being the step parent. And, since I had a step dad, I can say quite honestly, sometimes being the step kid sucks as well. :(
As you can see from blogs a year ago, this step parenting thing has never been easy. But for some reason, it seems like it is getting harder. Why? I wish I could say because I honestly don't know. Anyways, it's been really getting to me. I hate to say it and it brings tears to my eyes to admit it, but I'm depressed. I'm not on here looking for pity, or to justify my actions, or to put down my husband, or my step kids, or to put my kid on a pedastool. More than anything, I need to vent and I am tired of venting to my friends and feeling like all I do is bring them down and all I do is complain. Being a social worker (ya, I'm a social worker and my home life sucks - lets just get it out there right now) I tell my patients and/or their family members the benefits of journaling all the time and how it's theraputic and why it's so good for a person. Guess I should practice what I preach, right? So, THAT is why I am back...for me...to get my feelings out so they are not bottled up in me ready to explode. With that being said, journaling is not going to fix everything and I know that as well. That's why I'm going to my dr. next Friday to talk about getting on an anti-depressant again (yes, I said again, I have been an prozac before and it DID help!). I really should go see a counselor because there are things that I am dealing with everyday that I honestly don't know how to get past and I don't think any amount of journaling or meds can help...but then again who knows? I guess only time will tell.
Sit back boys and girls cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride!
As you can see from blogs a year ago, this step parenting thing has never been easy. But for some reason, it seems like it is getting harder. Why? I wish I could say because I honestly don't know. Anyways, it's been really getting to me. I hate to say it and it brings tears to my eyes to admit it, but I'm depressed. I'm not on here looking for pity, or to justify my actions, or to put down my husband, or my step kids, or to put my kid on a pedastool. More than anything, I need to vent and I am tired of venting to my friends and feeling like all I do is bring them down and all I do is complain. Being a social worker (ya, I'm a social worker and my home life sucks - lets just get it out there right now) I tell my patients and/or their family members the benefits of journaling all the time and how it's theraputic and why it's so good for a person. Guess I should practice what I preach, right? So, THAT is why I am back...for me...to get my feelings out so they are not bottled up in me ready to explode. With that being said, journaling is not going to fix everything and I know that as well. That's why I'm going to my dr. next Friday to talk about getting on an anti-depressant again (yes, I said again, I have been an prozac before and it DID help!). I really should go see a counselor because there are things that I am dealing with everyday that I honestly don't know how to get past and I don't think any amount of journaling or meds can help...but then again who knows? I guess only time will tell.
Sit back boys and girls cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Where's the blender? How does thing work?
So, I haven't posted for a while and I thought I would give an update as to how the whole "blended" thing is working. Well, not surprisingly, it has it's ups and downs, challenges and successes, good days and bad days. I'm sure this comes as no surprise...
I knew blending a family would be hard. When I was Riley's age, 7 going on 8, my mom sent me to Texas for the summer to stay with my Aunt Karen. When I returned my world was turned upside down...my mom had moved in her boyfriend, Steve. Here's the kicker...I had never heard about him, met him, nothing. When I returned to my home, my home was no longer my home. It was no longer me and my mom. It was me and my mom and him. When I say him I say it with all the distaste in the world. He was an alcoholic, manipulator, and abusive. He turned my world upside down and inside out. Living with Steve for the next 7 or 8 years was Hell in every sense of the word. Yes, it could have been worse, but it deffinitely could have been better, much better. I could go into adetails about all the ways it was horrible but I will spare you. The short of the long of it is, I didn't want Riley to go through what I went through. I didn't want Dustyn's kids to go through what I went through. With that being said, I still knew no matter what I did (and do from here on out), it wouldn't be perfect...nothing ever is.
One of the things I struggle with the most is figuring out what do I do for my kid, his kids, are they our kids? What does he do for my kid, his kids...or are they our kids?! For example, laundry. Yes, I am going to talk about laundry. We keep all the laundry seperate. I do mine and Riley's and Dustyn does his and his kids and together we do the towels. Don't get me wrong, Dustyn has offered to do my laundry, until recently I would not let him. Why you ask...it's simple...my underwear...that's right, I didn't want him to see my dirty granny panties. Yes, I am ashamed to say I have no pretty panties...that's what happens when you're a single mom for nearly 8 years...pretty panties just don't seem to matter. Thus I digress...anyways, I eventually gave in and once in a while he will do my laundry. But he won't let me do his laundry or all of the kids' laundry. Are we roomates or partners? Yes, laundry has made me question this...but this is just a small surface example.
Are we on the same page? That's something I find me asking myself sometimes. For example, one morning Rylie Jo was eating breakfast (pop tarts to be more specific, not that it matters though) and she had asked me if she could be done and I said no, take four more bites. Dustyn comes down stairs and although she hasn't taken one bite she asks her dad if she can be done and he says yes. When I told him what I had told her he said, "well, she said she's full now." Now, here's my problem with this situation, two things: 1. Dustyn givces the kids large portions at dinner and is insistant that they eat all of it or nearly all of it...whether they are full or not. So, how can half a pop tart fill her up and you're ok with this but a large plate at dinner and she's expected to finish it? All the kids are expected to finish it? What?! 2. I think when parents disagree about something children are supposed to do or not do then they should do it in private...not in front of the child. I feel like him vetoing my decision in front of Rylie Jo says "I'm the dad and what I say is the final word." I don't want this to be the message the kids get, I'm afraid this will lead to a divide among me and the kids or a favoring of which parent to go to or a divide between myself and Dustyn, if not a combination of the above. Yes, breakfast has triggered this thought process as well. *sigh* In my defense, this again is just an example, other situations similar to this have occured, this is just the most recent example.
In my defense and in my families defense I am a social worker. I have seen some of the worse of the worse when it comes to families and family dynamics. I have experienced first hand some crappy family dynamics. Will these situations (and please, keep in mind these are just a couple examples, not the only examples) lead to dysfunctional family dynamics? Am I paranoid looking for trouble where there isn't any? Can this family operate functionally? But really is any family 100% completely functional? No, not 100% completely functional but it's no secret that some families function better than others. I don't want to be a statistic. I don't want my family to be a statistic. I want this blended thing to work.
So, I'm sure some of you are wondering "What does Dustyn say about this? Does he feel the same way? Have they talked about this?" Well, yes and no. Yes I have gone to him with these concerns and I give these examples. Do I go to him at that exact moment and say "wait a minute, I see a problem with this"...no, I don't. My bad. Dustyn, like most men, don't like to talk. We do talk but some subjects are easier to broach than others. Honestly, he doesn't see problems or future problems from these situations like I do. Conversely, he has concerns that I don't see problems with. For example, he sees me as inconsistant with Riley and too lenient. I see myself with her as flexible and I like to give options. To be more specific, when Riley does something wrong I start off talking to her calmly, trying to talk about the situation and what she can do different and trying to redirect her (did I mention I'm a social worker?). I give her three chances to change her behavior before I discipline her (most of the time, it depends on the offense). Dustyn sees this as lenient and inconsistent. I see this as giving options and trying to work through a situation. That's just one example. Oh me oh my, I could go on and on...I'm sure you get the point though.
I'm not on here looking for answers or solutions, mainly just venting. It would be nice to hear that this is normal. My head and my experience as a social worker tells me this is normal and there are kinks to work out in this situation and there will always be kinks to work out. Even of we weren't "blended" there would be kinks to work out. But my heart is scared. My heart is scared Riley (and Dylan and Rylie Jo) will look back like I do on my childhood. I don't want that.
Not all hope is loss. There are things that are going good. Riley and Dustyn are getting along much better than they were a few months ago. Initially when we moved in together Riley talked about her dad often, not a lot, but fairly often (even though he hasn't seen her in almost a year not has he tried to see her). She talked about how Dustyn wasn't her dad and she didn't want him to replace her dad. Although I'm sure to a degree she still feels this way, it's not as vocalized and she now gives Dustyn hugs and says I love you which in turn is reciprocated by him. Dustyn actually said the other day he would like to adopt Riley some day. WOW! That hit home in a big way...in a good way. I never thought I would meet anyone who would step up like that. I hoped I would but never thought it would actually happen. God I hope it happens.
Rylie Jo is doing well with me also. She calls me mom sometimes and says I love you often! It melts my heart when she calls me mom and says I love you. I wish Riley and Dylan were adapting so easily so quickly. Ah the joy of being four...life is so simple. Dylan is a different story. Honestly I felt closer to him over the summer than I do now that we are all living together. He doesn't talk to me much, he won't let me hug him, and deffinitely won't let me say I love you; not surprisingly he doesn't say it to me or Riley either, rarely does he even tell me good night. Honestly, I think he's having the most challenges with everyone living together. He reminds me of me when I was that age with Steve. That breaks my heart. I don't want to be a Steve in his eyes.
*sigh* I guess I should wrap this up. I have been writing this inbetween Riley vomiting every 15 minutes which has been going on now for nearly 7 hours. It's getting late...we're both tired...and the night is still young...Good Night
I knew blending a family would be hard. When I was Riley's age, 7 going on 8, my mom sent me to Texas for the summer to stay with my Aunt Karen. When I returned my world was turned upside down...my mom had moved in her boyfriend, Steve. Here's the kicker...I had never heard about him, met him, nothing. When I returned to my home, my home was no longer my home. It was no longer me and my mom. It was me and my mom and him. When I say him I say it with all the distaste in the world. He was an alcoholic, manipulator, and abusive. He turned my world upside down and inside out. Living with Steve for the next 7 or 8 years was Hell in every sense of the word. Yes, it could have been worse, but it deffinitely could have been better, much better. I could go into adetails about all the ways it was horrible but I will spare you. The short of the long of it is, I didn't want Riley to go through what I went through. I didn't want Dustyn's kids to go through what I went through. With that being said, I still knew no matter what I did (and do from here on out), it wouldn't be perfect...nothing ever is.
One of the things I struggle with the most is figuring out what do I do for my kid, his kids, are they our kids? What does he do for my kid, his kids...or are they our kids?! For example, laundry. Yes, I am going to talk about laundry. We keep all the laundry seperate. I do mine and Riley's and Dustyn does his and his kids and together we do the towels. Don't get me wrong, Dustyn has offered to do my laundry, until recently I would not let him. Why you ask...it's simple...my underwear...that's right, I didn't want him to see my dirty granny panties. Yes, I am ashamed to say I have no pretty panties...that's what happens when you're a single mom for nearly 8 years...pretty panties just don't seem to matter. Thus I digress...anyways, I eventually gave in and once in a while he will do my laundry. But he won't let me do his laundry or all of the kids' laundry. Are we roomates or partners? Yes, laundry has made me question this...but this is just a small surface example.
Are we on the same page? That's something I find me asking myself sometimes. For example, one morning Rylie Jo was eating breakfast (pop tarts to be more specific, not that it matters though) and she had asked me if she could be done and I said no, take four more bites. Dustyn comes down stairs and although she hasn't taken one bite she asks her dad if she can be done and he says yes. When I told him what I had told her he said, "well, she said she's full now." Now, here's my problem with this situation, two things: 1. Dustyn givces the kids large portions at dinner and is insistant that they eat all of it or nearly all of it...whether they are full or not. So, how can half a pop tart fill her up and you're ok with this but a large plate at dinner and she's expected to finish it? All the kids are expected to finish it? What?! 2. I think when parents disagree about something children are supposed to do or not do then they should do it in private...not in front of the child. I feel like him vetoing my decision in front of Rylie Jo says "I'm the dad and what I say is the final word." I don't want this to be the message the kids get, I'm afraid this will lead to a divide among me and the kids or a favoring of which parent to go to or a divide between myself and Dustyn, if not a combination of the above. Yes, breakfast has triggered this thought process as well. *sigh* In my defense, this again is just an example, other situations similar to this have occured, this is just the most recent example.
In my defense and in my families defense I am a social worker. I have seen some of the worse of the worse when it comes to families and family dynamics. I have experienced first hand some crappy family dynamics. Will these situations (and please, keep in mind these are just a couple examples, not the only examples) lead to dysfunctional family dynamics? Am I paranoid looking for trouble where there isn't any? Can this family operate functionally? But really is any family 100% completely functional? No, not 100% completely functional but it's no secret that some families function better than others. I don't want to be a statistic. I don't want my family to be a statistic. I want this blended thing to work.
So, I'm sure some of you are wondering "What does Dustyn say about this? Does he feel the same way? Have they talked about this?" Well, yes and no. Yes I have gone to him with these concerns and I give these examples. Do I go to him at that exact moment and say "wait a minute, I see a problem with this"...no, I don't. My bad. Dustyn, like most men, don't like to talk. We do talk but some subjects are easier to broach than others. Honestly, he doesn't see problems or future problems from these situations like I do. Conversely, he has concerns that I don't see problems with. For example, he sees me as inconsistant with Riley and too lenient. I see myself with her as flexible and I like to give options. To be more specific, when Riley does something wrong I start off talking to her calmly, trying to talk about the situation and what she can do different and trying to redirect her (did I mention I'm a social worker?). I give her three chances to change her behavior before I discipline her (most of the time, it depends on the offense). Dustyn sees this as lenient and inconsistent. I see this as giving options and trying to work through a situation. That's just one example. Oh me oh my, I could go on and on...I'm sure you get the point though.
I'm not on here looking for answers or solutions, mainly just venting. It would be nice to hear that this is normal. My head and my experience as a social worker tells me this is normal and there are kinks to work out in this situation and there will always be kinks to work out. Even of we weren't "blended" there would be kinks to work out. But my heart is scared. My heart is scared Riley (and Dylan and Rylie Jo) will look back like I do on my childhood. I don't want that.
Not all hope is loss. There are things that are going good. Riley and Dustyn are getting along much better than they were a few months ago. Initially when we moved in together Riley talked about her dad often, not a lot, but fairly often (even though he hasn't seen her in almost a year not has he tried to see her). She talked about how Dustyn wasn't her dad and she didn't want him to replace her dad. Although I'm sure to a degree she still feels this way, it's not as vocalized and she now gives Dustyn hugs and says I love you which in turn is reciprocated by him. Dustyn actually said the other day he would like to adopt Riley some day. WOW! That hit home in a big way...in a good way. I never thought I would meet anyone who would step up like that. I hoped I would but never thought it would actually happen. God I hope it happens.
Rylie Jo is doing well with me also. She calls me mom sometimes and says I love you often! It melts my heart when she calls me mom and says I love you. I wish Riley and Dylan were adapting so easily so quickly. Ah the joy of being four...life is so simple. Dylan is a different story. Honestly I felt closer to him over the summer than I do now that we are all living together. He doesn't talk to me much, he won't let me hug him, and deffinitely won't let me say I love you; not surprisingly he doesn't say it to me or Riley either, rarely does he even tell me good night. Honestly, I think he's having the most challenges with everyone living together. He reminds me of me when I was that age with Steve. That breaks my heart. I don't want to be a Steve in his eyes.
*sigh* I guess I should wrap this up. I have been writing this inbetween Riley vomiting every 15 minutes which has been going on now for nearly 7 hours. It's getting late...we're both tired...and the night is still young...Good Night
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Turning a new page
So, it's been a while since I've posted and my last post wasn't very uplifting. Since then, many, many things have changed. Here it is in a nutshell...hence the reason for some changes to my blog...
First of all, I bought a house! Woot Woot! It's exactly what I have always wanted: 2 storys, porch, three bedrooms, an office, a bonus room and a RED kitchen (thanks to Dustyn). I love my house...although I will say home ownership comes with it's own challenges and rewards. But that's another story! We moved in towards the end of September...and when I say we, I mean, myself, Riley, Dustyn and his two kids; Rylie and Dylan. That's right...we are all living together. Hence the name change of my blog.
I was ecstatic to move in with Dustyn and so far, things are still great between us. In fact, it is 6 months today that we have been together. Strangly, it seems a lot longer than that. It just feels like we go together and we get a long great! Don't get me wrong, we have our challenges time to time but for the most part it is great. And then you throw in three kids...
I can't say that it has necessarily gone bad but it has been challenging. Probablly the hardest part is figuring out our roles with each others children. Where does Dustyn stand as a father figure to my child who knows her father, and thinks he walks on water, but is only around 2-3 times per year, IF that? Where do I stand with his children as a mother figure? His daughter calls me mom and his son does not like it. We have talked about this (which I won't go into at this time) and he seems to be more accepting of it. However, there are still challenges with each of our children respecting us but also not feeling like we are trying to replace their parent.
I guess that in a nutshell is why I have changed my blog title and probablly more of my post will be more centered around this. I welcome positive advise and feedback especially if you have been through a similar situation. I also need a place to vent my frustrations and concerns...
Anyways, I'm back...hopefully, despite the holidays right around the corner I will be able to update my blog more regularly.
First of all, I bought a house! Woot Woot! It's exactly what I have always wanted: 2 storys, porch, three bedrooms, an office, a bonus room and a RED kitchen (thanks to Dustyn). I love my house...although I will say home ownership comes with it's own challenges and rewards. But that's another story! We moved in towards the end of September...and when I say we, I mean, myself, Riley, Dustyn and his two kids; Rylie and Dylan. That's right...we are all living together. Hence the name change of my blog.
I was ecstatic to move in with Dustyn and so far, things are still great between us. In fact, it is 6 months today that we have been together. Strangly, it seems a lot longer than that. It just feels like we go together and we get a long great! Don't get me wrong, we have our challenges time to time but for the most part it is great. And then you throw in three kids...
I can't say that it has necessarily gone bad but it has been challenging. Probablly the hardest part is figuring out our roles with each others children. Where does Dustyn stand as a father figure to my child who knows her father, and thinks he walks on water, but is only around 2-3 times per year, IF that? Where do I stand with his children as a mother figure? His daughter calls me mom and his son does not like it. We have talked about this (which I won't go into at this time) and he seems to be more accepting of it. However, there are still challenges with each of our children respecting us but also not feeling like we are trying to replace their parent.
I guess that in a nutshell is why I have changed my blog title and probablly more of my post will be more centered around this. I welcome positive advise and feedback especially if you have been through a similar situation. I also need a place to vent my frustrations and concerns...
Anyways, I'm back...hopefully, despite the holidays right around the corner I will be able to update my blog more regularly.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Road Block
So, I haven't posted for a while so I thought I would drop an update; I'm not gonna lie - it's not the most upbeat blog I have ever wrote.
I could get deep on this...by deep I mean, emo deep. But I'll spare all of my readers (I think there are a whopping four of you) the drama and the pity party. My life isn't bad, don't get me wrong, I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I feel like there are some road blocks being put up and no matter how hard I try, they are out of my control; I cannot get around them to save my life. I like to be in control and I feel like so many things right now that are negatively affecting my life are out of my control. With that being said, the logical, social worker part of me says "you can be in control of how you react to these things and not let them get to you so much." One of my favorite quotes is: "Our happiness in life is not determined by our circumstances in life, but by our dispositions"...or something like that. I'm sure you get what I'm trying to say though.
Despite my rationalization and attempt to think about these things logically and not let them affect me, they are. I can feel myself getting depressed and the anxiety coming back.
Sorry...I said I wouldn't bore you with my pity party but that's exactly what I'm doing. Anyways, back to the road blocks.
There are several things I could blog about in regards to road blocks, but I'm not going to because they are too personal to share...so I'll stick with an easy one: Buying a House.
For those of you who follow my blog, you know I have been trying to buy a house since last October. One thing after another has happened and it has not worked out. Now that I look back I can see that it was for the best that it didn't work out. Maybe I'll be able to look back a year from now again and realize that it was for the best again it hasn't worked out...but right now, I am having a hard time rationalizing that. I feel so close yet so far away.
In a nutshell, I keep getting out bid. By how much, I don't know...it's any ones guess, it could be $500 or $5000...I don't know and I never will know. I get so close and find these houses that would be seemingly perfect. I like the neighborhoods, it's got plenty of space and enough rooms, it's in my price range...you get the picture - it's PERFECT! Then usually within 24-48 hours I get a call from my realtor saying they have multiple offers. Usually by the end of that day, I get a call saying they accepted another offer. The first couple times it happened, I was like "oh, well...the right one is out there for me." My realtor keeps telling me the same thing...Fast forward to present day and I think I have been outbid on 5 houses...or so. I stopped counting after at some point.
Now, this may not seem like a big deal, but it is a big deal to me for many reasons. Number 1, this is probably going to be the only time I will be able to buy a house as a single parent. Interest rates are historically low (give or take the stock market that day) and housing prices are historically low - it will never be this way again...not for a long time at least. Being a single parent with one income that is good, but not great, limits what I can get approved for. If interest rates start creeping back up and house prices start creeping back up, I will never be able to qualify for a house again given that my income will not rise at the same rate interest rates and housing prices will rise. I can't and I will not sit and wait to get married before I buy a house because there is no guarantee I will ever get married...I have to take care of us...no one else will. I have to do this now...this is my only chance. (Yes, I know, I am being dramatic...but please, let me be dramatic, I am stressed and depressed and extremely frustrated - again, it is not just over this, there are other variables coming into play here).
Number 2, this is a big deal to me because I have busted my butt to take care of me and my daughter by myself, through school, while I was volunteering and working. I have worked so hard...when do I get to reap these benefits. The way I see it, buying a house is a way to reap the benefits of all my hard work. No it's not the only way, but it's a one way that's a big deal.
Number 3, as I said earlier, I feel like there are numerous things in my life out of control that are negatively impacting me and I can't control them and this is just one of those things. When will this stop happening to me? Do I attract this? Did I do something to deserve this (Karma, do you have something to tell me?). Why can't I just buy a flipping house...it's been almost a year!!!! Why can't anything ever be easy? Why does there have to be issues with the paper work or multiple offers or out of my price range??? Why??? When will something be easy and work out in my favor?
It may not seem like it from this post, but I am trying really, really, really hard to be positive throughout this whole situation. I really am. I am trying to "put positive thoughts out into the universe"...after all, you get back what you put out...right? As hard as I may try to be positive, there is only so long I can stay positive before I feel like I am going to puke...physically and emotionally.
So, where am I in the house buying phase you ask. Well, once again, another offer was rejected today because someone out bid me. I expected this so I met my realtor to look at another house today. It was once again, PERFECT. Three bedrooms, a huge bonus room, an office, two car garage and a fenced in yard that is pretty good size. So, she (she being the realtor) was going to come over tonight so we could make an offer (because after a month on the market and several people looking, no one had put an offer in on it yet). Of course, there has to be a hitch...there is always a hitch or a snag or something to go wrong. I was trying so hard to be positive today thinking "maybe this is it, this is the one!" But of course, there is a problem with the paperwork...she didn't have everything since it was a form she wasn't used to. But she had "good" news...the listing agent said they lowered the price today. No, I wasn't as happy about this as you might think I would be. Why? Because some ass hole will probably bid on it now that the price is lower and once again I will be in a bidding war I can't win. We could have gotten together tomorrow afternoon, but I have to go out to Fruitland (yes, Fruitland) for a training for work. I'll be lucky if I get back to town by 5. Even if we could put in an offer by 5 tomorrow, they won't get it until Thursday and by then there could be (and probably will be) multiple offers on it and once again I am SOL. FML! See, I can't win...
Granted, I may be jumping to conclusions and maybe there won't be any other offers on it and (dare I say) maybe, for once, my offer will be accepted. As much as I want to be positive, I fall in the trap of getting my hopes dashed when I think positive and things don't work out for me.
What's a girl to do???
Blog, I guess and get my frustrations out there...
But here is my cheesy, ridiculous, and foolish plan. Remember the movie, Field of Dreams? Remember the quote "if you build it, they will come?" I'm tempted to start packing...rent a dumpster, clean out my garage so I can sloooooowly start packing my house. Maybe if I "put it out there in the universe" that I am ready to move and I am trying to move an offer will be accepted and I will be able to move much to my surprise. It would give me something to work towards and focus on...something to distract me from the other garbage in my life that is bringing me down.
Here's my fear...what if I don't end up being able to buy a house? What if I start packing and I prepare myself emotionally and physically for the move and then I can't move? I gotta be honest here and I don't think this will come as a surprise to anyone, I would be devastated.
I don't know, I just don't know what to do...any thoughts? feedback? suggestions?
Hello? Is anyone out there??
I could get deep on this...by deep I mean, emo deep. But I'll spare all of my readers (I think there are a whopping four of you) the drama and the pity party. My life isn't bad, don't get me wrong, I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I feel like there are some road blocks being put up and no matter how hard I try, they are out of my control; I cannot get around them to save my life. I like to be in control and I feel like so many things right now that are negatively affecting my life are out of my control. With that being said, the logical, social worker part of me says "you can be in control of how you react to these things and not let them get to you so much." One of my favorite quotes is: "Our happiness in life is not determined by our circumstances in life, but by our dispositions"...or something like that. I'm sure you get what I'm trying to say though.
Despite my rationalization and attempt to think about these things logically and not let them affect me, they are. I can feel myself getting depressed and the anxiety coming back.
Sorry...I said I wouldn't bore you with my pity party but that's exactly what I'm doing. Anyways, back to the road blocks.
There are several things I could blog about in regards to road blocks, but I'm not going to because they are too personal to share...so I'll stick with an easy one: Buying a House.
For those of you who follow my blog, you know I have been trying to buy a house since last October. One thing after another has happened and it has not worked out. Now that I look back I can see that it was for the best that it didn't work out. Maybe I'll be able to look back a year from now again and realize that it was for the best again it hasn't worked out...but right now, I am having a hard time rationalizing that. I feel so close yet so far away.
In a nutshell, I keep getting out bid. By how much, I don't know...it's any ones guess, it could be $500 or $5000...I don't know and I never will know. I get so close and find these houses that would be seemingly perfect. I like the neighborhoods, it's got plenty of space and enough rooms, it's in my price range...you get the picture - it's PERFECT! Then usually within 24-48 hours I get a call from my realtor saying they have multiple offers. Usually by the end of that day, I get a call saying they accepted another offer. The first couple times it happened, I was like "oh, well...the right one is out there for me." My realtor keeps telling me the same thing...Fast forward to present day and I think I have been outbid on 5 houses...or so. I stopped counting after at some point.
Now, this may not seem like a big deal, but it is a big deal to me for many reasons. Number 1, this is probably going to be the only time I will be able to buy a house as a single parent. Interest rates are historically low (give or take the stock market that day) and housing prices are historically low - it will never be this way again...not for a long time at least. Being a single parent with one income that is good, but not great, limits what I can get approved for. If interest rates start creeping back up and house prices start creeping back up, I will never be able to qualify for a house again given that my income will not rise at the same rate interest rates and housing prices will rise. I can't and I will not sit and wait to get married before I buy a house because there is no guarantee I will ever get married...I have to take care of us...no one else will. I have to do this now...this is my only chance. (Yes, I know, I am being dramatic...but please, let me be dramatic, I am stressed and depressed and extremely frustrated - again, it is not just over this, there are other variables coming into play here).
Number 2, this is a big deal to me because I have busted my butt to take care of me and my daughter by myself, through school, while I was volunteering and working. I have worked so hard...when do I get to reap these benefits. The way I see it, buying a house is a way to reap the benefits of all my hard work. No it's not the only way, but it's a one way that's a big deal.
Number 3, as I said earlier, I feel like there are numerous things in my life out of control that are negatively impacting me and I can't control them and this is just one of those things. When will this stop happening to me? Do I attract this? Did I do something to deserve this (Karma, do you have something to tell me?). Why can't I just buy a flipping house...it's been almost a year!!!! Why can't anything ever be easy? Why does there have to be issues with the paper work or multiple offers or out of my price range??? Why??? When will something be easy and work out in my favor?
It may not seem like it from this post, but I am trying really, really, really hard to be positive throughout this whole situation. I really am. I am trying to "put positive thoughts out into the universe"...after all, you get back what you put out...right? As hard as I may try to be positive, there is only so long I can stay positive before I feel like I am going to puke...physically and emotionally.
So, where am I in the house buying phase you ask. Well, once again, another offer was rejected today because someone out bid me. I expected this so I met my realtor to look at another house today. It was once again, PERFECT. Three bedrooms, a huge bonus room, an office, two car garage and a fenced in yard that is pretty good size. So, she (she being the realtor) was going to come over tonight so we could make an offer (because after a month on the market and several people looking, no one had put an offer in on it yet). Of course, there has to be a hitch...there is always a hitch or a snag or something to go wrong. I was trying so hard to be positive today thinking "maybe this is it, this is the one!" But of course, there is a problem with the paperwork...she didn't have everything since it was a form she wasn't used to. But she had "good" news...the listing agent said they lowered the price today. No, I wasn't as happy about this as you might think I would be. Why? Because some ass hole will probably bid on it now that the price is lower and once again I will be in a bidding war I can't win. We could have gotten together tomorrow afternoon, but I have to go out to Fruitland (yes, Fruitland) for a training for work. I'll be lucky if I get back to town by 5. Even if we could put in an offer by 5 tomorrow, they won't get it until Thursday and by then there could be (and probably will be) multiple offers on it and once again I am SOL. FML! See, I can't win...
Granted, I may be jumping to conclusions and maybe there won't be any other offers on it and (dare I say) maybe, for once, my offer will be accepted. As much as I want to be positive, I fall in the trap of getting my hopes dashed when I think positive and things don't work out for me.
What's a girl to do???
Blog, I guess and get my frustrations out there...
But here is my cheesy, ridiculous, and foolish plan. Remember the movie, Field of Dreams? Remember the quote "if you build it, they will come?" I'm tempted to start packing...rent a dumpster, clean out my garage so I can sloooooowly start packing my house. Maybe if I "put it out there in the universe" that I am ready to move and I am trying to move an offer will be accepted and I will be able to move much to my surprise. It would give me something to work towards and focus on...something to distract me from the other garbage in my life that is bringing me down.
Here's my fear...what if I don't end up being able to buy a house? What if I start packing and I prepare myself emotionally and physically for the move and then I can't move? I gotta be honest here and I don't think this will come as a surprise to anyone, I would be devastated.
I don't know, I just don't know what to do...any thoughts? feedback? suggestions?
Hello? Is anyone out there??
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