So, I haven't posted for a while so I thought I would drop an update; I'm not gonna lie - it's not the most upbeat blog I have ever wrote.
I could get deep on this...by deep I mean, emo deep. But I'll spare all of my readers (I think there are a whopping four of you) the drama and the pity party. My life isn't bad, don't get me wrong, I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but I feel like there are some road blocks being put up and no matter how hard I try, they are out of my control; I cannot get around them to save my life. I like to be in control and I feel like so many things right now that are negatively affecting my life are out of my control. With that being said, the logical, social worker part of me says "you can be in control of how you react to these things and not let them get to you so much." One of my favorite quotes is: "Our happiness in life is not determined by our circumstances in life, but by our dispositions"...or something like that. I'm sure you get what I'm trying to say though.
Despite my rationalization and attempt to think about these things logically and not let them affect me, they are. I can feel myself getting depressed and the anxiety coming back.
Sorry...I said I wouldn't bore you with my pity party but that's exactly what I'm doing. Anyways, back to the road blocks.
There are several things I could blog about in regards to road blocks, but I'm not going to because they are too personal to share...so I'll stick with an easy one: Buying a House.
For those of you who follow my blog, you know I have been trying to buy a house since last October. One thing after another has happened and it has not worked out. Now that I look back I can see that it was for the best that it didn't work out. Maybe I'll be able to look back a year from now again and realize that it was for the best again it hasn't worked out...but right now, I am having a hard time rationalizing that. I feel so close yet so far away.
In a nutshell, I keep getting out bid. By how much, I don't know...it's any ones guess, it could be $500 or $5000...I don't know and I never will know. I get so close and find these houses that would be seemingly perfect. I like the neighborhoods, it's got plenty of space and enough rooms, it's in my price range...you get the picture - it's PERFECT! Then usually within 24-48 hours I get a call from my realtor saying they have multiple offers. Usually by the end of that day, I get a call saying they accepted another offer. The first couple times it happened, I was like "oh, well...the right one is out there for me." My realtor keeps telling me the same thing...Fast forward to present day and I think I have been outbid on 5 houses...or so. I stopped counting after at some point.
Now, this may not seem like a big deal, but it is a big deal to me for many reasons. Number 1, this is probably going to be the only time I will be able to buy a house as a single parent. Interest rates are historically low (give or take the stock market that day) and housing prices are historically low - it will never be this way again...not for a long time at least. Being a single parent with one income that is good, but not great, limits what I can get approved for. If interest rates start creeping back up and house prices start creeping back up, I will never be able to qualify for a house again given that my income will not rise at the same rate interest rates and housing prices will rise. I can't and I will not sit and wait to get married before I buy a house because there is no guarantee I will ever get married...I have to take care of us...no one else will. I have to do this now...this is my only chance. (Yes, I know, I am being dramatic...but please, let me be dramatic, I am stressed and depressed and extremely frustrated - again, it is not just over this, there are other variables coming into play here).
Number 2, this is a big deal to me because I have busted my butt to take care of me and my daughter by myself, through school, while I was volunteering and working. I have worked so hard...when do I get to reap these benefits. The way I see it, buying a house is a way to reap the benefits of all my hard work. No it's not the only way, but it's a one way that's a big deal.
Number 3, as I said earlier, I feel like there are numerous things in my life out of control that are negatively impacting me and I can't control them and this is just one of those things. When will this stop happening to me? Do I attract this? Did I do something to deserve this (Karma, do you have something to tell me?). Why can't I just buy a flipping house...it's been almost a year!!!! Why can't anything ever be easy? Why does there have to be issues with the paper work or multiple offers or out of my price range??? Why??? When will something be easy and work out in my favor?
It may not seem like it from this post, but I am trying really, really, really hard to be positive throughout this whole situation. I really am. I am trying to "put positive thoughts out into the universe"...after all, you get back what you put out...right? As hard as I may try to be positive, there is only so long I can stay positive before I feel like I am going to puke...physically and emotionally.
So, where am I in the house buying phase you ask. Well, once again, another offer was rejected today because someone out bid me. I expected this so I met my realtor to look at another house today. It was once again, PERFECT. Three bedrooms, a huge bonus room, an office, two car garage and a fenced in yard that is pretty good size. So, she (she being the realtor) was going to come over tonight so we could make an offer (because after a month on the market and several people looking, no one had put an offer in on it yet). Of course, there has to be a hitch...there is always a hitch or a snag or something to go wrong. I was trying so hard to be positive today thinking "maybe this is it, this is the one!" But of course, there is a problem with the paperwork...she didn't have everything since it was a form she wasn't used to. But she had "good" news...the listing agent said they lowered the price today. No, I wasn't as happy about this as you might think I would be. Why? Because some ass hole will probably bid on it now that the price is lower and once again I will be in a bidding war I can't win. We could have gotten together tomorrow afternoon, but I have to go out to Fruitland (yes, Fruitland) for a training for work. I'll be lucky if I get back to town by 5. Even if we could put in an offer by 5 tomorrow, they won't get it until Thursday and by then there could be (and probably will be) multiple offers on it and once again I am SOL. FML! See, I can't win...
Granted, I may be jumping to conclusions and maybe there won't be any other offers on it and (dare I say) maybe, for once, my offer will be accepted. As much as I want to be positive, I fall in the trap of getting my hopes dashed when I think positive and things don't work out for me.
What's a girl to do???
Blog, I guess and get my frustrations out there...
But here is my cheesy, ridiculous, and foolish plan. Remember the movie, Field of Dreams? Remember the quote "if you build it, they will come?" I'm tempted to start packing...rent a dumpster, clean out my garage so I can sloooooowly start packing my house. Maybe if I "put it out there in the universe" that I am ready to move and I am trying to move an offer will be accepted and I will be able to move much to my surprise. It would give me something to work towards and focus on...something to distract me from the other garbage in my life that is bringing me down.
Here's my fear...what if I don't end up being able to buy a house? What if I start packing and I prepare myself emotionally and physically for the move and then I can't move? I gotta be honest here and I don't think this will come as a surprise to anyone, I would be devastated.
I don't know, I just don't know what to do...any thoughts? feedback? suggestions?
Hello? Is anyone out there??
