So, I haven't posted for a while and I thought I would give an update as to how the whole "blended" thing is working. Well, not surprisingly, it has it's ups and downs, challenges and successes, good days and bad days. I'm sure this comes as no surprise...
I knew blending a family would be hard. When I was Riley's age, 7 going on 8, my mom sent me to Texas for the summer to stay with my Aunt Karen. When I returned my world was turned upside down...my mom had moved in her boyfriend, Steve. Here's the kicker...I had never heard about him, met him, nothing. When I returned to my home, my home was no longer my home. It was no longer me and my mom. It was me and my mom and him. When I say him I say it with all the distaste in the world. He was an alcoholic, manipulator, and abusive. He turned my world upside down and inside out. Living with Steve for the next 7 or 8 years was Hell in every sense of the word. Yes, it could have been worse, but it deffinitely could have been better, much better. I could go into adetails about all the ways it was horrible but I will spare you. The short of the long of it is, I didn't want Riley to go through what I went through. I didn't want Dustyn's kids to go through what I went through. With that being said, I still knew no matter what I did (and do from here on out), it wouldn't be perfect...nothing ever is.
One of the things I struggle with the most is figuring out what do I do for my kid, his kids, are they our kids? What does he do for my kid, his kids...or are they our kids?! For example, laundry. Yes, I am going to talk about laundry. We keep all the laundry seperate. I do mine and Riley's and Dustyn does his and his kids and together we do the towels. Don't get me wrong, Dustyn has offered to do my laundry, until recently I would not let him. Why you ask...it's simple...my underwear...that's right, I didn't want him to see my dirty granny panties. Yes, I am ashamed to say I have no pretty panties...that's what happens when you're a single mom for nearly 8 years...pretty panties just don't seem to matter. Thus I digress...anyways, I eventually gave in and once in a while he will do my laundry. But he won't let me do his laundry or all of the kids' laundry. Are we roomates or partners? Yes, laundry has made me question this...but this is just a small surface example.
Are we on the same page? That's something I find me asking myself sometimes. For example, one morning Rylie Jo was eating breakfast (pop tarts to be more specific, not that it matters though) and she had asked me if she could be done and I said no, take four more bites. Dustyn comes down stairs and although she hasn't taken one bite she asks her dad if she can be done and he says yes. When I told him what I had told her he said, "well, she said she's full now." Now, here's my problem with this situation, two things: 1. Dustyn givces the kids large portions at dinner and is insistant that they eat all of it or nearly all of it...whether they are full or not. So, how can half a pop tart fill her up and you're ok with this but a large plate at dinner and she's expected to finish it? All the kids are expected to finish it? What?! 2. I think when parents disagree about something children are supposed to do or not do then they should do it in private...not in front of the child. I feel like him vetoing my decision in front of Rylie Jo says "I'm the dad and what I say is the final word." I don't want this to be the message the kids get, I'm afraid this will lead to a divide among me and the kids or a favoring of which parent to go to or a divide between myself and Dustyn, if not a combination of the above. Yes, breakfast has triggered this thought process as well. *sigh* In my defense, this again is just an example, other situations similar to this have occured, this is just the most recent example.
In my defense and in my families defense I am a social worker. I have seen some of the worse of the worse when it comes to families and family dynamics. I have experienced first hand some crappy family dynamics. Will these situations (and please, keep in mind these are just a couple examples, not the only examples) lead to dysfunctional family dynamics? Am I paranoid looking for trouble where there isn't any? Can this family operate functionally? But really is any family 100% completely functional? No, not 100% completely functional but it's no secret that some families function better than others. I don't want to be a statistic. I don't want my family to be a statistic. I want this blended thing to work.
So, I'm sure some of you are wondering "What does Dustyn say about this? Does he feel the same way? Have they talked about this?" Well, yes and no. Yes I have gone to him with these concerns and I give these examples. Do I go to him at that exact moment and say "wait a minute, I see a problem with this"...no, I don't. My bad. Dustyn, like most men, don't like to talk. We do talk but some subjects are easier to broach than others. Honestly, he doesn't see problems or future problems from these situations like I do. Conversely, he has concerns that I don't see problems with. For example, he sees me as inconsistant with Riley and too lenient. I see myself with her as flexible and I like to give options. To be more specific, when Riley does something wrong I start off talking to her calmly, trying to talk about the situation and what she can do different and trying to redirect her (did I mention I'm a social worker?). I give her three chances to change her behavior before I discipline her (most of the time, it depends on the offense). Dustyn sees this as lenient and inconsistent. I see this as giving options and trying to work through a situation. That's just one example. Oh me oh my, I could go on and on...I'm sure you get the point though.
I'm not on here looking for answers or solutions, mainly just venting. It would be nice to hear that this is normal. My head and my experience as a social worker tells me this is normal and there are kinks to work out in this situation and there will always be kinks to work out. Even of we weren't "blended" there would be kinks to work out. But my heart is scared. My heart is scared Riley (and Dylan and Rylie Jo) will look back like I do on my childhood. I don't want that.
Not all hope is loss. There are things that are going good. Riley and Dustyn are getting along much better than they were a few months ago. Initially when we moved in together Riley talked about her dad often, not a lot, but fairly often (even though he hasn't seen her in almost a year not has he tried to see her). She talked about how Dustyn wasn't her dad and she didn't want him to replace her dad. Although I'm sure to a degree she still feels this way, it's not as vocalized and she now gives Dustyn hugs and says I love you which in turn is reciprocated by him. Dustyn actually said the other day he would like to adopt Riley some day. WOW! That hit home in a big way...in a good way. I never thought I would meet anyone who would step up like that. I hoped I would but never thought it would actually happen. God I hope it happens.
Rylie Jo is doing well with me also. She calls me mom sometimes and says I love you often! It melts my heart when she calls me mom and says I love you. I wish Riley and Dylan were adapting so easily so quickly. Ah the joy of being four...life is so simple. Dylan is a different story. Honestly I felt closer to him over the summer than I do now that we are all living together. He doesn't talk to me much, he won't let me hug him, and deffinitely won't let me say I love you; not surprisingly he doesn't say it to me or Riley either, rarely does he even tell me good night. Honestly, I think he's having the most challenges with everyone living together. He reminds me of me when I was that age with Steve. That breaks my heart. I don't want to be a Steve in his eyes.
*sigh* I guess I should wrap this up. I have been writing this inbetween Riley vomiting every 15 minutes which has been going on now for nearly 7 hours. It's getting late...we're both tired...and the night is still young...Good Night
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