So, in this process of trying to sort out my feelings and make sense of what I am going through I am trying to sort through the chain of events that have lead me to where I am now emotionally. I guess there were little things leading up to the MAIN EVENT. Dustyn and I moving in together with his two kids and my kid was a challenge in and of itself. Not to mention the fact that we were moving, both of us, to a new place. Oh and don't forget the financial burden that comes with moving in the first place. Oh and did I mention we moved right before the Holidays? Ya, so as you can see, moving in together was a big enough challenge in and of itself. Oh and did I mention that I have never lived with anyone besides my mom and my daughter? (Well, I had a roommate for about a second a couple years ago but we won't count that since it was so short lived - thankfully). Ya, so it was challenging to say the least. Moving is a challenge alone. Moving in with someone is whole other challenge. Moving in children together is another set of challenges. Holidays are stressful. Dustyn quite his job. I was now supporting a family of 5 on one paycheck. Did I say this experience was stressful? If I didn't, it was.
So, shortly after we moved in, about this time last year, Dustyn and I had some problems. He would be fine during the day hanging out with everyone else but as soon as I would come home he would shut down, wouldn't talk to me, he was snappy...we were fighting often. I kept asking what was wrong and he kept insisting nothing but I knew something was not right. I eventually got to the point where I didn't want to come home. Then it got to the point where his sister, Sandi, was here every time I came home. It got to the point that when I would come home she would be here and neither him nor her would say anything to me. I felt like an unwanted stranger in my own home. The scene is set.
After a month or two of this I finally had enough, and enough of hearing nothing was wrong. So, I did something...it was a mixed blessing. I called his sister. I mean, at one point we had gotten along and very well. I hung out with her, would text her and call her, she even called me to tell me she was pregnant before she called her brother. I'm not sure what happened along the way but at some point she decided she hated me and would not hide it. Despite the cold shoulder I was constantly getting I had to figure out what was wrong with Dustyn and I figured if anyone knew, she would know. So I called her.
She was ok at first, kinda vague but then I pushed because I could tell she knew something. She started off nice at first, then it got rough...by the end of the conversation she had told me that my kid was a "problem" for our relationship (yes problem was her word), I was a "pig and slob just like his ex wife" because I didn't keep the house clean enough, and she felt like I was a "bitch" to him. That's the short of the long of the conversation that still to this day has left a bad taste in my mouth.
So, when Dustyn came home later that night we sat down and talked about our differences in disciplining the kids and the challenges that has brought and we talked about the housework that was not getting done and decided to divide up the chores so something was done by each of us on a daily basis so there was not as much to do on the weekends or by one person. It was not an easy conversation to have but it was good that we did it; it finally started to air some issues we both had and came up with a solution to some of the problems going on in the home and sure enough his mood changed...his mood changed so much about a week later he proposed.
here's the deal...I didn't tell Dustyn about my conversation with his sister. I didn't know if he would be mad that I talked to her and to be quite honest I was mad about the way she talked to me. Dustyn and his sister ended up getting into a fight that lasted months and they didn't talk for a while...during that time I told him about my conversation with her. He was not mad thankfully...not at me at least...or so he says. He said he would never put up with his sister talking to me like that and he would talk to her about it. Well, him and her eventually made up and were back on speaking terms but she was still a bitch to me, rude, ignored me, wouldn't tlak to me in my own house, wouldn't even acknowledge me. And did Dustyn say anything to her like he said he would? No. Even though it made me very uncomfortable to be around her, he didn't say anything.
As my anger about this grew, my anger grew for other reasons. I began to think about this situation...she wouldn't have known these things were bothering him if he didn't tell her. So, was it her words or his words that my kid was a "problem", that I was a slob and pig just like his ex wife and that I treated him like a bitch? Now, not only was I angry, but insecure. If he really felt that way, what in the world were we doing planning a wedding? Why would he continue to let his sister come over and treat me so badly...in my own home??
Over time, I attempted to talk to him...but Dustyn isn't a talker and because him and his sister were now getting along, he expected me to get along with her and just let things go back to normal and forget about what happened. I hold a grudge. I'm not proud of it, but it's the way I was raised and it's ingrained in me and subsequently is very hard to change...not impossible, but very hard. I tried to move on...I really did. I took her shopping for her baby, went to her baby shower, took pics for the family, invited her to Riley's birthday party, invited her to a Mary Kay make up party...I tried. OH she took me up on the shopping trip and let me come to the baby shower, to give her the gift of course, but there was no reciprocation with anything else and she continued to treat me like a bitch whenever she came over to MY house. Well, Dustyn had finally had enough of me bitching about this situation, cause I did a lot of it, and he talked to her one day. And what did she say about the way she was treating me (and eventually my kid)? Oh, she didn't know she was doing anything wrong...she didn't even know I was mad at her...she had noticed I wasn't talking to her but she didn't know why. You know what that is don't you? BULL SHIT!
How could she have a conversation like that with me, (oh and I forgot to say, she also told me that me and Dustyn wouldn't work out...that was back in the conversation in December or January of last year) and then turn around and say 8 months later, after she has treated me like shit, that she didn't know there was a problem with us (meaning me and her)? Oh and then at this same time, so this would be last summer, so 5 or 6 months ago, she starts asking Dustyn when me and him are going to have babies???? WTF???? Just a few months before that she was saying we wouldn't last and now she is asking when we are going to have more babies?? WTF??
So, this brings us to about July, this last July...Sandi has had the baby by now, Stori...and even though she is on month 2 or 3 of asking us when we are going to have babies she won't even let me hold her baby. That's right. She won't give me the baby, but she treats Dustyn like he's the dad and whenever someone does let me hold the baby she comes up and takes her away and says, "you don't need to hold her right now." WTF?? When will summer be over so she can go back to Lewiston for school?
So, finally she heads back up to school and I get a break. By this time I am planning our wedding, busy with work and raising kids and what not. It seems to be that when I am busy with stuff and Dustyn doesn't talk about his sister then everything is ok. I guess the best way to put it is "out of sight, out of mind." But then came the wedding reception...So, first of all, initially she wasn't going to come. Although she was down here in Boise for the month, and doing her practicum here, she wasn't going to come. Why? Well, she says it's because she wasn't going to be able to change times at her practicum and she had to get these hours done and there was no way she could rearrange her hours. Oh, but did I mention that when she called to tell us that she wasn't coming she was supposed to be at her practicum but she left early. The same practicum that she is telling us that she cannot leave to come to the reception to, no way, how how can she leave early...she had left early that day. Again, WTF?? Well, she ends up coming to the reception, showing up late, no gift (normally this wouldn't bother me but considering that I had spent over $100 at her baby shower a few months before it is somewhat of a sore spot) and doesn't even come over to say hi to us or say congrats...not even a lousy card. If you're not going to say congrats or even talk to us, why did you come? Really? Oh but later she came back to the house and the only thing she said to me was "you better be pregnant the next time I see you." Now, this may not seem like a big deal but it is a sore spot for several reasons of which I will get into in another post...but for now, I will just say it upset me because, really, that was all she could say to me, to us? No congrats...nothing??? Again, WTF??
So, fast forward now to present day...December...Dustyn gets a call from Sandi, her Nurse Pinning Ceremony is in Lewiston on the 16th...you're coming right?? WTF?? Really, you weren't even going to come to our reception when you were in the same town but you expect Dustyn to come to Lewiston for your pinning ceremony? It's not even the BIG graduation of walking the line...it's a pinning ceremony for fuck sake. First of all, Dustyn has a final for school that day so he can't go (oh but she says, can't you rearrange your final or skip it and come to Lewiston...WHAT??? Then there's the issue with gas...if Dustyn were to go, because the roads are so bad this time going up there he would want to take the truck (his words, not mine) and gas in that truck to Lewiston and back would easily be $300. What's the problem with that she asks? Oh and then there's the fact that he would have to stay in a hotel and more money again. So what? she says. Oh and then given the fact that he would have to be gone for a few days who is going to pick up Riley for me? She doesn't care because Riley is my kid, not his, so my problem, not his. Nice, huh? Oh I about came unglued when Dustyn told me all of this. Are you fucking kidding me?
Why does this girl think she gets to be so mean to me? What did I ever do to her? Why does she think the world revolves around her and we all bow down to her? Why? Because of all of this, these numerous and ongoing situations that have occurred, I can't stand to be around her and every time I know I have to be around her or I have been around her I feel an incredibly ridiculous amount of anxiety and anger. And every now and then, Dustyn and I will have a fight and this gets brought up. For example, the other day I about had a nervous breakdown because the house wasn't clean and I didn't know when I would have time to clean it and he tells me, it will be fine and it's not a big deal. I began to scream and cry asking him why it's not a big deal now but it was a big deal a year ago. A year ago it was such a big deal that he was miserable at home and went to his sister bitching about me and later she ripped me a new one for it. If it's not a big deal now, why was it then? What if it's not a big deal now BUT it turns into a big deal again and he gets upset that I'm not doing enough cleaning and he goes to her complaining about me again? I worry now that every time she comes over she is looking at my house with a microscope examining every nook and cranny to see how dirty or how clean it is. I worry that every time she is with Dustyn she is interrogating him, wanting to know how shitty of a wife I am and how miserable he is. It's no secret she did that with his first wife and she obviously doesn't like me so what's stopping her from doing it again?
So, there it is...one of the main events that have brought me to this emotional state that I am currently at...but this is just Part I on this particular situation. There are SO many things that are running through my head and I can't type fast enough to get it all out and I'm too tired at this point to try to get them all out...after all, it has taken me two nights to write this blog. Part II will be more in depth thoughts on reflections about this particular situation that have gone through my head over the past year. Boy, this is exhausting but it is also somewhat cathartic.
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