So, I have been putting off this part of the writing process. I guess it is somewhat metaphorical for my life as I think about it. I can sit here and bitch and piss and moan about what I hate and what bothers me and etc...but I am not very good at focusing on the emotional part of what I am dealing with and processing it and delving deeper into my feelings. I am somewhat ashamed to admit that since I am a social worker. I can help other people deal with their emotions but I can't look at my own? I guess I should explain more. I can say when you do this (fill in the blank) it makes me feel this way (fill in the blank). But really, why do I feel angry because of what she said to me? Why am I angry about the baby conversation that continues to be brought up? Why am I so fixated on this and letting it get to me? Why do I continue to be so angry and now depressed?
Well, here it goes...so, one of the big problems I have with her is her hateful conversation towards me last January in which she told me I was a pig, just like the ex and my kid was a problem. So, this is so upsetting for several reasons. First of all, I thought, were those her words or Dustyn's words ...kid being a problem, me being a pig and just like the ex, etc...That really hurt wondering and thinking about that. But over time and many, many painful, hurtful conversations with Dustyn I have come to the conclusion that those were her words, not his. So that helps some. It also hurts that he went to her and told her this stuff instead of trying to come to me and talk to me about it. However, I guess I can't fault him too much for that since I go to my friends when we are having issues. The difference is my friends don't treat him any different like his sister has done to me. But some stuff happened today that has made me think about this situation again and I really think it boils down to trust and betrayal. See, I trusted her, from the beginning. And at a vulnerable point she betrayed my trust and if I were Dustyn I would feel like she betrayed his trust. She took what he had said to her in confidence and frustration and took it and put her own spin on it. But I guess you overlook stuff like that with family? Anyways, see the thing is, in the past I have been hurt by a lot of people who I was very close to and after trying and trying and trying and giving people chance after chance I got tired of being hurt. So I stopped taking chances on some people, a lot of people and when people have hurt me I have pushed them out of my life. In this case, I can't push Sandi out of my life. I have no choice in the matter. And to make matters worse her and Dustyn are super close. So, that means I have to be around her more than I care to be. All in all, this makes me feel out of control - a situation and feeling I very much despise...one now that I am angry about. Unfortunately, that anger comes out every now and then in very bad, hurtful ways. So, I guess on that note, this situation brings up a lot of feelings from old situations and people in my life...feelings that I have not dealt with. Ultimately, I hold on to anger and struggle with letting go and moving on. And whose fault is that? Not hers or anyone elses...it's mine. But how do I address that and work on it and move on for myself? I don't have any idea.
So, the other issue, the baby issue. Oh my, this is a hard one. This is the other biggest issue I have with her, which again ultimately boils down to me and my issues. See, she keeps asking when me and Dustyn are going to have a baby...she and the majority of our friends have asked that. We aren't going to have a baby any time soon if ever...and that breaks my heart. We have talked about having more kids or at least one more and both of us would love to do it. But with Dustyn going to school and only having school loans to live off of and just living off of my income, it doesn't really out us in the best financial position. Don't get me wrong, I make pretty good money, more than I would have ever thought I would make, but being that it is the sole income for a family of 5...it barely covers all the bills by the end of the month. So, we have to wait until Dustyn is out of school...which is about 5 years away. This is frustrating for may reasons. First of all, one of the natural things that people do after they get married is talk about having kids or start having kids. I feel like I am getting robbed of this natural part of life and marriage. All I ever wanted as a little girl was to be a mom...a stay at home mom and I will never get to do that. My one and only pregnancy was miserable. Never once did anyone congratulate me or offer support. Instead my pregnancy was hid and people constantly questioned me, asking if I was doing the right thing. I was robbed of this beautiful experience and it will probably be the only time. So, say we wait 5 more years til we decide to start trying. There is no guarantee that it will even happen or how long it will take to happen. I honestly don't know if I want to have a baby with three pre-teens or teenagers at home. We talk so often about renovating the house and buying a boat and a trailer and going camping and how we can't wait til the kids are old enough to enjoy this stuff or when we can go on our own. This will be over with a baby. I honestly don't see us having a baby and I am tired of everyone asking about this. I JUST WANT IT TO STOP!!!!!!!!!! And the sooner everyone stops asking the easier it will be to accept that. But once again, another natural, beautiful part of life I am being robbed of. It's also not fair because I work my butt off and make good money. We should be able to have another child. Some people on welfare don't think twice about having another child or how it will be supported but they go ahead and do it and find a way to make it work. Why can't we? It's not fair that I work and have made it to this point in my life and I can't have something I so desperately want. I know I may sound like I am 5 years old but it's not fair. I am tired of things not going my way when I try so hard every day. I wish Dustyn would stop talking about me being pregnant or having a baby some day because he knows as well as i do, he won't want to have a baby in 5 years when we are in our mid 30s and have three teens at home. I know he won't. But here we are again, at the same point. It's not her fault this is our situation so why am I so mad at her about it? I have been thinking this whole time that she is angry and taking out her anger on me because I'm an easy target but maybe I am really taking out my anger on her because she is an easy target...about this particular situation at least. Ultimately, I am angry about situations in my life that are important to me and how they have gone awry and this is one more example. The only thing she is really doing is reminding me of it whenever she asks. Thats all she is at fault for doing.
*sigh*....this has been heavy...it's getting late now and my computer is about ready to die. I want to read some out of my books about Letting Go. I think it is time to read these and apply them to my life.
1 comment:
I hear you sweetheart- it sucks that others have so many children without thinking- while others go through situations like you did and are going through now. It breaks my heart to see you're having to deal with bs like this- but keep up the writing, I know it's very helpful!
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